tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-43571603832235737722024-03-13T01:25:19.960-04:00Emersyn's PaigeThis blog is dedicated to our beautiful daughter Emersyn Paige Klomp who passed away from SMA Type 1 on April 7th, 2009 at the age of 7 months old. We are commited to honouring our daughter's life and legacy through telling Emersyn's story, providing resources and support for other families living with SMA in addition to raising funds for Spinal Muscular Atrophy and sharing our grief journey with others.Thank-you for walking beside us on our journey......Emersyn Paigehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16460601651616350527noreply@blogger.comBlogger119125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4357160383223573772.post-91013651002269842842023-09-16T08:35:00.000-04:002023-09-16T08:35:13.170-04:00Pieces of You ~ Happy 15th Birthday Emersyn<p><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="font-size: 11pt; white-space-collapse: preserve;">How did we get to 15? It feels like yesterday I was driving home from lunch with your Dad on September 16th in 2008 waiting for labour to start. Waiting for the moment to meet you, my first child. I will always hold you in that moment in time when you were born on your due date and it felt like no other babies were born that day. Confidence soaring after you were born and I told your Dad to go home and sleep because you and I would be just fine. Almost impossible to get him to agree since he was drawn right in the moment he looked into your beautiful brown eyes. You were his girl and everyone knew it. I said I would protect you forever and that my job would be to make sure you would be ok in this world when I am gone one day. I failed at that not by choice but by genetics and I live with that everyday. SMA, I hate those letters but they never overshone the still evolving love and connection that we have with you. You are 15 and instead of thinking of all of the things that you have missed as I keep those little chapters unopened in my heart everyday, I must think about all of the people you have helped. People tell me when they are going through something really hard they think of you and feel stronger. This does not bring you back to me but it helps me to know that you live on in the good and the hope in others. </span></p><span id="docs-internal-guid-4eded46d-7fff-4ee2-90dc-88be77416e49"><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="font-size: 11pt; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space-collapse: preserve;">I picture Isla and Callum reading your blog one day and hopefully getting to know you even better. They talk about you with such ease and they miss you so much yet they never physically met you. This tells me kids need to be exposed to grief in its full journey because grief is love. They are 9 and 12 now and I am in awe of them and feel so lucky to get to know them as they grow up. As I marvel at them it aches to think what you would have done here on this earth. This morning we will head to our usual place to buy your fall planters, flowers for your vase and decorations for your spot at Glen Oaks. We will sing you happy birthday and say hello to the other babies in the Garden of Angels. Dad takes a walk at the cemetery and I need space to sit on your bench in front of your stone just you and I. This is our day the day you were born where I remember feeling sadness that you would no longer be safe within me and so elated to meet you.Tears are notes from the heart and as I sit here in our living room this morning writing this I see sunbeams hitting your picture and cry with both love and grief. Please don’t think this grief takes away from our love. My heart could burst with how much my love for you overflows. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="font-size: 11pt; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space-collapse: preserve;"><br /></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="font-size: 11pt; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space-collapse: preserve;">My grief carries me now as much as I carry it. We know each other well. Instead of wishing grief would leave I have made a room for grief that is filled with all of the things I love and all of the comforts needed to catch me when fall. I invite others into that room who need comfort in their grief journey as a rest stop and when they leave they take a piece of you with them. I like to think that there are pieces of you in every human you have helped over the years like seeds growing and making this world better. You put people at ease and awe Emersyn and you inspire them to keep going and take care of others who need it most along the way.</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="font-size: 11pt; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space-collapse: preserve;">Happy 15th birthday to my first born beautiful child Emersyn Paige. You lived and you live on in your family who will always carry your legacy and recognize the gifts you send at just the right time when we need it most.</span></p><div><br /></div><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="font-size: 11pt; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space-collapse: preserve;">With deepest love and gratitude,</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="font-size: 11pt; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space-collapse: preserve;">Mom xoxo</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="font-size: 11pt; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; 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margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="2048" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEh1TSeL_OmJk_Ly7o08xXbCVKT0AN-ANNbx5cddwhISMzN1mpmUuKm1yx0sdoHPpJwZx5CKzP_KJUqSBFn3H7Pkifaa3tITqxLcYZlcXEbPxoPxd3FuoMNzDVc_MKmkPo_vL97xclKHLrvePKa_dQf-geqiFtlZo84rgK5R-wg8F4Va4JpMfaqSJ1jNoT3X" width="240" /></a></div><br /><br /></span><p></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="font-size: 11pt; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space-collapse: preserve;"><br /></span></p><div><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="font-size: 11pt; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space-collapse: preserve;"><br /></span></div></span>Emersyn Paigehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16460601651616350527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4357160383223573772.post-83034576632036601792023-04-07T08:49:00.006-04:002023-04-07T08:52:06.114-04:0014 Years<br />I remember being on my lunch break as a grade 1 teacher and checking my voicemail messages. I was waiting on my 18 week ultrasound results for our first born child and I remember replaying the message from my Midwife, “Melanie everything looks good and you are having a girl”! I remember playing that message over and over again while sharing the news with my teaching partners and feeling a complete sense of joy and excitement. I picked names with my students and shared them with Jay and my extra picky sisters and Scottish parents to find the perfect name. It was a huge search for the name of the first granddaughter who followed four beautiful grandsons in our family and we chose Emersyn or rather she chose us. Emersyn means Home Strength and it is these words we chose to have engraved on to her stone at Glen Oaks.<br /><br />14 years ago you passed and I can still feel the warmth of the sheets we were laying on beside you in the hospital bed at McMaster. I remember the sounds of Brahms' lullaby playing in the room, the nurses moving in and out with blankets and your Dad laying on one side of you and me on the other. I remember telling them to take the machines away as I did not need a signal to tell me when you passed because I would just know and I did. I felt you move through us as you passed and no one needed to tell us because I am your Mom and always will be. As long as I am alive this is our story, you are my story and I will share you as long as I live. I pause less worrying about the comfort of others when I talk about you or say your name. I am so proud of you and all of the people you continue to touch and inspire. I never thought I would find fulfillment or joy again after you died. I accepted in my heart and mind that I would forever feel a fraction of anything close to joy. I felt like an alien in the land of the living. I am not sure how I came back but it was not all at once but rather in shards and pieces that over time came together. I compare it to a Mosaic broken but beautiful and when the light shines through it is the warmest glow I have ever known. I am forever changed by your life and death.<br /><br />I remember reading every book written by bereaved parents that I could get my hands on. I needed to see myself in their words and lived experiences. I needed to know that I was going to survive losing my daughter, my girl, my heart. I called bereaved Moms I had never met before who offered to meet with me and I went. I needed to hear about their children, their stories and see their faces. I needed to connect with other SMA Mom’s whose children were newly diagnosed and let them know that they were not alone. They let me hold their babies and I cherished every second as I tried to comfort others and feel close to you. I was searching for you and I needed to prove that you were still with me. I was exhausted but completely compelled to plug into you. I was desperate and felt a constant sense of roaming. I did not see you in my dreams because you were still so real to me. I missed the weight of your body in my arms, your deep brown eyes and the way your whole hand would wrap around my finger even when your physical strength declined you still found a way.<br /><br />I am strong and vulnerable because of you. I can laugh again but deeper because of you. I can sense when others are in pain and I can sit with that pain more openly because of you. I have deep compassion for struggle because of you and I am so much more forgiving. I can lead, and laugh and love more authentically because of you. I carry the same pain and I carry you which is the purest form of love and joy that I aim to share with as many people as I can while I am on this earth. Emersyn you are my heart and I sent a piece of mine with you and took a piece of yours with me. I have always described my grief journey as a Mosaic both broken and beautiful and when the light shines through it is the warmest glow I have ever seen.<div><br /></div><div>I miss you beyond time and space and love you more than love.</div><div><br /></div><div>Love,</div><div>Mom, Dad, Isla and Callum xoxo<br /><br /><br /><blockquote style="border: none; margin: 0px 0px 0px 40px; padding: 0px; text-align: center;"><img height="275" src="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/yUtEn907Mm6sB9Z7fmbg6kenAkW1IBvV5j_FRN_xRXqCCMQrm5ZmNP5TwF5RI6VbY59CBD3Tu54qZ63K59Z3Y4RjYMhQ0eNoaNYW5-sIdfG4BIeLyP-15XRPjARhMbziSmGtroW5wIBfTIfHHIpzfyo=w388-h275" width="388" /></blockquote><br /><br /><img src="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/kdkvG_108xJxc3G5Jb8mWqzX_KpLGFAXsfhkuv8jNzTwDLMQUe95Sykup5RnsI23ihMfT09MkVvIlQkXr1INLPHvva1Qlm8m3fYkHAGdJMfkIrRJPFjGUg857e75J0lfbA8Qb_SDtTJiV42vHQK9oUU" /><br /><br /><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img height="300" src="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/DMPQkqFbvGHhR8yBrUByCrJcgAzyULTkoRuFjOZGWDD1oHWSSYBTXZT5qY9LYo68Z3i42KBQoNi0UqbufOsI27hMISDPa1xua1CdxZ8TUq_31HnUMKOKd0DEkKWxXXucoH--LD8SwP4z6aola0wa0Mg=w400-h300" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="400" /></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"></td></tr></tbody></table><br /><br /><br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><img height="300" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/5iLfd19HanbvzxMyhjvimV9wcWvYiH3PG-f0RHNywdrSJ9WLwL1-G7xmw0XKp8jiFzYV4A6W_ke4Ts_N8-7zWCGuZO1eH5oQuu7lWTWjkqAeCQxhgjan850ky4xa4s3Z0RAV4UMc7FCKJ9II6dwgOhQ=w400-h300" width="400" /></div><br /><br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><img height="400" src="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/tD8zsJnV6OKt0tRhcYmfuxZQcKtC2bKV3xsVxAAFSrzqOZ7RGYgq83x_YcHAcWG-G5T_UagtvQxVniqjr_z4bmO92G8_UlEuabnyhf-SmELNn58AR-TAqHhR_XPftXII525_ljHNl40enIcyYkKOj6Q=w400-h400" width="400" /></div></div>Emersyn Paigehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16460601651616350527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4357160383223573772.post-64871781085382176692022-09-15T21:45:00.000-04:002022-09-15T21:45:17.232-04:00Happy 14th Birthday Emersyn ~<p><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">Happy 14th birthday Emersyn my beautiful girl. Why after so long is this still so hard? I try to rationalize that after all these years I should be ok to go to work on your birthday or feel “ok” since it is JUST only a single day. I get frustrated with myself as I try to associate strength with carrying on with normal life however you have taught me that strength is also being able to stop and allow grief. I wrestle with this after all these years as I have worked hard at honoring my grief so to stop and allow it when I know I could try to keep going is difficult but necessary. I have integrated your death into everything I do which makes me feel both proud of how far I have traveled in my journey and also heartbroken and humbled by the waves of grief that I know I must succumb to. I am a parent and this is what we do. We keep going for our kids but there are so many times that I am sure you are carrying me.</span></p><span id="docs-internal-guid-889e26b3-7fff-722f-77cb-127cc6059863"><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">There was nothing more transformative for me than September 16th 2008. I remember every detail of your birth right down to the warmth of the September sunlight that poured through our hospital room that day. I actually thought the sunshine that afternoon was cued just for you. Warm golden sunlight streaming down on your birthday and snow randomly falling on the day you passed in April. Every parent feels like our own children are different, special ,unique and extraordinary to the point where no one else could possibly understand. And the truth is we are all right as there is no child more incredible than our own because we believe in our kids even more than we believe in ourselves. </span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I was humbled when I looked at your dark brown eyes for the first time and realized I was chosen to be your Mom. I could not stop smiling and showing you off! Even when I had not slept in those early days when we brought you home I wanted friends and family to come over immediately and meet you as I thought if they didn’t they would be deprived of the greatest joy anyone could feel, meeting you the baby wise beyond her years who had a healing sense of peace about her. You knew how impactful you would be and how your legacy would have a transformative effect on so many. We knew you were amazing, we just didn’t know that we would only be gifted with your physical self for a short time. Watching your Dad hold you for the first time was also a gift I will never forget. You had his heart from the minute the midwives said “Jay come and hold your girl”. </span></p><br /><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">As we have gone back to school the little things I used to worry about for your brother and sister no longer worry me because of you. Anytime I feel myself starting to consider trivial things I think of you and remember what matters. I like to think that you have this grounding effect on so many people who knew you or learned about your journey. I would trade this perspective for you to be back here at home being 14 and driving us nuts but this blog, this day and these memories are all I have and I will hold this and care for our heart strings as long as I live. I hug a little longer, I advocate a little harder, I laugh and cry more fully and I love more deeply because of you.</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">So if you see me in September looking distracted or smiling at a dragonfly, butterfly or finding meaning in a song you know why. It is your birthday and for me this is the greatest day I ever knew because I became a Mom...your Mom. I believed in you from the minute I found out I was pregnant and that has never changed. Just like we all marvel at our living children when they accomplish something awesome I too beam when I find out that you have touched yet another life and made it better even though your physical self is no longer with us.</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Happy 14th birthday to our official teenager, my beautiful brown eyed, wise, funny and magical Emersyn! I guess I can’t be too hard on myself for missing you just the same as I did when you fell asleep on my chest the day you were born and I could not wait for you to wake up. I believed in you then and I will never stop thinking I am the luckiest Mom on earth and in heaven because that’s what parents do. </span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Hope you feel all of the magic heaven can conjure today my darling girl and as long as I live I will forever believe in the magic of YOU.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><br /></p><div><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Love you always,</span></div><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></p><div><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Mom, Dad, Isla and Callum xoxoxoxo</span></div><div><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj65r3dLBzGNZeQYDy9e_kKjybYd9EVC9CFUdE2Mf2rn_pk6smQi03LA1SrirGvX2XyafvdTEmPJvyjpeszQhqbs-IC3PpZSN5-0j-Xz6a13rLf1oE-6GPvDk_a3ZKVjgLbxjt4sUkGupIa4b785OMdlKUlw4TcMfjVa0gsnep1GE63sxwppWvT1BUWAg/s1800/IMG_5732.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1800" data-original-width="1439" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj65r3dLBzGNZeQYDy9e_kKjybYd9EVC9CFUdE2Mf2rn_pk6smQi03LA1SrirGvX2XyafvdTEmPJvyjpeszQhqbs-IC3PpZSN5-0j-Xz6a13rLf1oE-6GPvDk_a3ZKVjgLbxjt4sUkGupIa4b785OMdlKUlw4TcMfjVa0gsnep1GE63sxwppWvT1BUWAg/s320/IMG_5732.JPG" width="256" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_B25fTsDNWUDKzoWsCsfT-31LImCS1ibzOS3UTgj19F_DDZbyzpZRn2W0dmMgNUMrxI6yKuyMOWwt3FqUm9J8M1eaAfsfwlJiUfNNLqH9OBdKBSrCrrfPc5wgDWriJD-4olsZ76jd1H-TpD5-EpfEqpPtZRSKLr_25aK5fTa5bum3VkG6nU4XAS_AEg/s2048/98C784FF-3BE8-4B33-AAC7-7797A46271AF.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="2048" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_B25fTsDNWUDKzoWsCsfT-31LImCS1ibzOS3UTgj19F_DDZbyzpZRn2W0dmMgNUMrxI6yKuyMOWwt3FqUm9J8M1eaAfsfwlJiUfNNLqH9OBdKBSrCrrfPc5wgDWriJD-4olsZ76jd1H-TpD5-EpfEqpPtZRSKLr_25aK5fTa5bum3VkG6nU4XAS_AEg/s320/98C784FF-3BE8-4B33-AAC7-7797A46271AF.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div><div><br /></div><div><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div></span>Emersyn Paigehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16460601651616350527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4357160383223573772.post-70649157495679085562022-04-07T08:48:00.001-04:002022-04-07T08:48:21.803-04:0013 Years <p><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">13 years. I actually can’t believe I'm typing that number. 13 years today we have lived without you Emersyn. In the early years it was </span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">surviving</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> without you and somehow </span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">living </span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">slowly returned as we integrated you into everything we are and do. This did not come without feeling guilty the first time we actually laughed, had family photos taken or went on our first family road trip without you. That was and will continue to be hard and depending on what we are doing or the day it still is. When people say “I can’t imagine” losing a child to be honest neither can I. I remember like it was yesterday our family and friends coming into our room in the ICU at McMaster to say good-bye. I remember time standing still and the snow that started falling that April day moments after you passed. I remember the nurses giving us space while bringing us blankets and making sure we felt supported. I still step back and cannot believe that you are physically gone. I am not sure how I have integrated losing you into every aspect of my life but I know that I have. You are the reason I look for the good in people and find hope in situations that seem impossible. Parenting you without being able to talk to you is not easy but I have learned that you are “</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">the right thing to do”</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> voice in my mind that helps guide me.</span></p><span id="docs-internal-guid-fe4aa4b3-7fff-534a-3c0d-2acae2818ae7"><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">None of this makes up for losing you or the long and incredible life you should have had here on earth. When I look at how funny, compassionate and unique your brother and sister are I feel a deep sorrow and need to know just how much of a unique soul you would have grown into. As I write this I realize more and more that you were a gift not just to our family but to so many. I know you have helped so many people feel stronger and more resilient in their own struggles. Knowing this does not make your death any easier for us but I know that it honours you and gives you a legacy which means so much to us. </span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I am a better person because of you. I have deep grief that I carry with me that I continue to learn to respect and make space for. Grief only happens where there is love so I hold space for this sacred duality. My head knew instantly that your physical self passed as we held you in that moment in time but it has taken time and surrender to mourning you that has allowed my heart to understand. My head knows you passed the day you died but my heart relearns this everyday. There is a saying </span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“the person doing the talking is the person doing the learning”.</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> That is why I write because this is me talking to you and learning to physically live without you. I have learned to not only connect with you through grief but also through the moments in the day that make me stop and think about the right thing to do. Thank-you Emersyn for the signs you send that are undeniably you and for the nudge in the right direction that you send when we need it most. We know you continue to be a source of courage, integrity and hope for so many and feel so lucky to be your parents.</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Missing and loving you always,</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Mom xoxoxoxoxo</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="border: none; display: inline-block; height: 243px; overflow: hidden; width: 248px;"><img height="243" src="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/IYHGPKILHnwv7e-I4Zp2QWqrlMRyFsrsVkl_rAtK1PraZSwdF6Wr5tCOVTYYUwUWdqe1mKN0GkfyKzJfm9hvTvSauMlZ0XCQSteXAtWRlCt_VLMh1lRZHQyfbrBLyF1os36kHJpe" style="margin-left: 0px; margin-top: 0px;" width="248" /></span></span></p><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></span>Emersyn Paigehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16460601651616350527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4357160383223573772.post-34735628689795734692021-09-16T14:44:00.001-04:002021-09-16T14:44:04.369-04:00Emersyn's 13th Birthday Letter<span id="docs-internal-guid-d316f91c-7fff-945e-a7b3-6540bcf57906"><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 12pt; margin-top: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Dearest Emersyn,</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 12pt; margin-top: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">We simply cannot believe that you would have been 13 years old today. Very similar weather today as the day you were born. Sunshine so bright it was as if Mother Nature was just as ecstatic about this magnificent day as we were. I always thought before having kids that the "time flies by so fast" saying was a cliche until I had you and lost you. I can honestly say it feels like yesterday that I was in Oakville Trafalgar hospital beaming from ear to ear feeling like the luckiest human on earth to be your Mom. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 12pt; margin-top: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I remember saying to Dad in the car ride home sitting in the back seat with you "if anything happens to this beautiful baby I will not be able to cope". I had no reason to say that on the sunny peaceful drive home as 13 years ago on this day we did not know what SMA was or that you had this horrible tragic genetic disease. We had no idea what was ahead and I am so glad we had no clue what was to come as this time 13 years ago was euphoric and indescribable in terms of the joy we felt at becoming not only parents but YOUR parents. We knew you were incredibly special and sensed that you had a soul and mind much wiser and older than your newborn age. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 12pt; margin-top: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">You are a teenager now my dear beautiful magical child. I can sort of picture you with your deep brown eyes, dark hair and magnetic beaming smile. I have often considered asking an artist to sketch for us what you might look like now as there are many times I am desperate to know. It really hit me hard getting your flowers and balloons this morning at Longo's thinking about how you should be entering a whole new amazing phase in your life as a teenager. Your Dad and I feel so sad to have missed all these years with you and talked about how awesome it would have been to see you thriving and growing up. We are picturing you in grade 8 entering high school and graduating and wondering what path and journey you would have embarked upon and it really hurts. We are so deeply sorry that you have missed this my dear daughter. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 12pt; margin-top: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">If only the treatments that are available today for SMA were available 12 years ago. I think about that everyday and try to feel just happy for others but I can't help but feel deep pain, anger and guilt as a parent that these treatments were not available when you were diagnosed. We carry this with us and still feel our hearts overflowing with love and joy for you. The heart is incredible to carry all of this at once. That is the thing with grief it stays deeply embedded in our souls and hearts alongside the love and pride we have as your parents. We know that you understand our grief is a lifeline to you and your legacy and story lives through both our love story for you and our grief journey.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 12pt; margin-top: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">You certainly chose your siblings well as they woke up this morning asking to go to your spot after school as this is their normal with our family. Isla and Callum don't know what it is like to have "non bereaved parents" and they like to go to the cemetery and bring something special just for you. When they were toddlers they used to run around Glen Oaks and we would have to stop them from stealing the toys and stuffed animals from other children's spots and now they go and they sit on your bench and sing to you and bring something to show their love. Both of them created little paintings early this week and added butterflies and dragonflies just for you. I had no idea where they found these supplies and I just found their creations on the kitchen counter with your name on it.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 12pt; margin-top: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The teenage years are for self discovery and so much excitement in the years ahead. You, my beautiful girl, already knew who you were and what your purpose was before we did. Your ongoing inspiration and resiliency continues to encourage so many people to "just keep swimming" and stopping to take it all in. No matter how difficult things may seem, you ground our family and so many others with your story and your spirit which continues to surface when we need you most. Similar to "time flies by so fast" the other saying I used to deem a cliche was "life is short". This saying could not be more true and I know the teenager you would want people to be grateful for each day and embrace the moments so I will be sure to pass this message along on your birthday. You have taught us that life is hard but it is also beautiful.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 12pt; margin-top: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Thank-you for the sun rays at Glen Oaks this morning and for reminding us that cliches are cliches for a reason. "Time flies by so fast" and "life is short" so to anyone reading this embrace the day, never give up and spread love because we need it now more than ever.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 12pt; margin-top: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Happy 13th birthday Emersyn your legacy is still going strong and I can't wait to see what other great lessons and signs you will send the Universe.</span></p></span><p>With love beyond this physical world, </p><p>Mom ,Dad, Isla and Callum xoxoxo </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgof1LIj1UKyI46tYAwhauqiNmR84v3c24m73iA45Pe2S74euahRgl9F12mP4oGKd-4Ltf3mzsrtQ2rEZ4DUYhvAv5YtCuOXDaz8iEYhr8Tw2UI5fhv7z2-3fBe61_GGzNiagUxASo3PTYG/s2048/1551B2F6-51B6-4A6C-A330-E70318D9CABB.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="2048" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgof1LIj1UKyI46tYAwhauqiNmR84v3c24m73iA45Pe2S74euahRgl9F12mP4oGKd-4Ltf3mzsrtQ2rEZ4DUYhvAv5YtCuOXDaz8iEYhr8Tw2UI5fhv7z2-3fBe61_GGzNiagUxASo3PTYG/s320/1551B2F6-51B6-4A6C-A330-E70318D9CABB.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDp35MnwYNK3qtSydsaar_j_CzBz_zp-a4VpZhfzf10SimiAkR5pZprGkM0RaGHCEY6IXBvtPTGBd-TrKz0P8I1E1XK2z1YhW8UdTpW2hdh-6kh5VKQ1yTU-tXwTJORqCZsmwsQHzUDiPi/s2048/IMG_8565.heic" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1245" data-original-width="2048" height="195" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDp35MnwYNK3qtSydsaar_j_CzBz_zp-a4VpZhfzf10SimiAkR5pZprGkM0RaGHCEY6IXBvtPTGBd-TrKz0P8I1E1XK2z1YhW8UdTpW2hdh-6kh5VKQ1yTU-tXwTJORqCZsmwsQHzUDiPi/s320/IMG_8565.heic" width="320" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRs4gduq_7-lDCr1qtLzWpNcxpoBtDvLuCq3M0_BVbSG01-EGdTdKyUeGI6W7kmz5FJBeyZ2IfWMrhShBtGQDPMONred0UqupTl_HwBZvp9vGu4_oF_fr0ycr6hOxp338IUXEPoq8dfKAD/s2048/IMG_8555+%25281%2529.HEIC" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1536" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRs4gduq_7-lDCr1qtLzWpNcxpoBtDvLuCq3M0_BVbSG01-EGdTdKyUeGI6W7kmz5FJBeyZ2IfWMrhShBtGQDPMONred0UqupTl_HwBZvp9vGu4_oF_fr0ycr6hOxp338IUXEPoq8dfKAD/s320/IMG_8555+%25281%2529.HEIC" width="240" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNIVyOu8gb7ps7OflCGcw5stqhrFUD08Q0AE8tComvIMbqDnGRJoRmruIvNB4St4VmcEYfeVhI1UyEoMVSSp3qH5Iqt6w0NlI4GnEPlxTRmkr4mwjA-ZU0aWdu5R65oc9kTU3tiYw8IKzD/s2048/IMG_8553.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1235" data-original-width="2048" height="193" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNIVyOu8gb7ps7OflCGcw5stqhrFUD08Q0AE8tComvIMbqDnGRJoRmruIvNB4St4VmcEYfeVhI1UyEoMVSSp3qH5Iqt6w0NlI4GnEPlxTRmkr4mwjA-ZU0aWdu5R65oc9kTU3tiYw8IKzD/s320/IMG_8553.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p><br /></p>Emersyn Paigehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16460601651616350527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4357160383223573772.post-38192047996585524712021-04-07T09:28:00.001-04:002021-04-07T21:32:13.034-04:0012 Years ~ Lemonade<p><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">Today marks 12 years since you passed away Emersyn. I contemplated whether I should write on your blog that I have written on for the past 12 years. I talked to your Dad about not writing today and asked - why am I still writing 12 years later? As always he brought things into perspective for me when he said that I should only be writing here if it helps me and possibly even one other person reading this. As he said this I remembered what you have taught me which is the only way through is through.The pathway to healing is in the journey and oftentimes it may feel like we can’t do it but when we continue to try we grow. I really do find great comfort in knowing that you have helped others. So here I am 12 years later writing to you because it honours your legacy while also helping me and hopefully others to find meaning and comfort on this journey. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">What a year this has been reinventing ourselves during our global pandemic. Digging deep we have all found resiliency, sorrow and gratitude all whirled into one as we navigate this ever evolving time in history. It has been a long road and although we are almost nearing the end of the pandemic we are not there yet. On the hardest days when we miss the normalcy of visiting carefree with our loved ones I think of you and remind myself there will be nothing harder than losing you and we will all make it through this. However, making it through does not come without a greater need and awareness for true self care and compassion towards others and ourselves. I have learned that I cannot passively make it through a journey. I have learned if I do not play an active role in navigating and acknowledging where I am it is more challenging. This does not negate the struggle but it does make it lighter. As a bereaved parent I have learned that stepping aside and making space for grief has allowed me to take some time to be mindful, breathe and reflect on how far we have come and remember you. When I hold space for grief I find you there.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">Losing a child and experiencing a global pandemic are very different. I do however, find myself turning to some similar coping strategies and also notice the persistence of hope appearing again and again. Gratitude and mindfulness have been two touch stones that you have given us that I continue to turn to. The power of a few deep breaths is so simple yet grounding and powerful. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">You nudge us to remember that sometimes instead of doing more we can just “be”. Just </span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>be</i></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> there for a moment and take some deep breaths. Gratitude and hope tend to surface in these moments. I have also noticed that hope is stubborn and will find a way to ignite itself even as a small flicker it lights the journey. I know now that grief is the other side of love and as time has passed my grief for you has become as important and treasured as my love for you. 12 years later I miss you as much as I did the day you passed away and with time even more so.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> “Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give but cannot. All of the unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go” ~ Jamie Anderson.</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> I have all of this love and grief and I continue to find ways ways to share it. As a family we have taken the most sour lemons as they say and tried to create lemonade that by nature will always be bittersweet yet filled with love. So to answer my question “why am I still writing 12 years later” it is because it helps me to feel connected to you and hopefully helps someone else who may need some comfort along the way. Our lemonade isn’t perfect but it’s perfectly ours and if it helps even one person then it’s worth sharing.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">We miss you to the moon and back Emersyn and we feel your absence and your presence daily. You are the hope that continues to ignite within us.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">Love,</span></p><p><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">Mom, Dad, Isla and Callum xoxo</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.8; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;"><br /></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.8; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;"><span id="docs-internal-guid-656427b3-7fff-4533-5ffb-da70b4c4333f"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="border: none; display: inline-block; height: 935px; overflow: hidden; width: 624px;"><img height="389" src="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/PB41svJTum-CT3lBlWXOCBUE7wJsuM0R_EyP5S6uVOiFOedfNUS0JERDy9gAuBVnHPyQyg4xqCU8vUdNahvNoFnyZ_45_gSJHkmkcqQCjI0QtxRFwpqW2f0rxG485BjwX8_zpN_X=w259-h389" style="margin-left: 0px; margin-top: 0px;" width="259" /><img height="384" src="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/T5thoCynpwKLT-CyxPBBcWAeVEmC7DamEzpt37RQ-mHU-wNgIgx3AaczmZpAhxbfoz39EoimivV4zSKCT3YZwPl9-ZDRPKrl9m3aiqwe9wrTotC51GAesL5XTOl4BKYIoaOizowr=w340-h384" style="font-size: 12pt; margin-left: 0px; margin-top: 0px;" width="340" /></span></span></span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.8; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;"><span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="border: none; display: inline-block; height: 935px; overflow: hidden; width: 624px;"><br /></span></span></span></span></p><div><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;"><br /></span></div><span id="docs-internal-guid-7c055d84-7fff-e116-1b2b-28dabd221c4e"><div><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div></span>Emersyn Paigehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16460601651616350527noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4357160383223573772.post-63229486541484314372020-09-16T12:41:00.001-04:002020-09-16T12:41:20.129-04:00Happy 12th Birthday Emersyn Happy 12th birthday to you beautiful Emersyn. Time stands still as I remember
your birth vividly 12 years ago today. I remember the sheer excitement I felt
calling family and friends feeling both exhausted and elated to announce your
birth and introduce you to everyone. The soaring confidence I felt after giving
birth to my first child was life changing and the empowerment I felt becoming a
Mother was incredible. Today is bittersweet remembering your joyful birth while
missing you so. Amazing how our relationship has deepened over the years even
while being physically apart. I feel that you are older now, not a little girl
anymore. I sense your maturity in our connection and I feel your guidance
especially now during the pandemic. In your maturity I feel I need to talk to
you today about everything that has been happening in the world and how we are
trying to develop healthy ways to cope and move forward. <div><br /></div><div>I have been feeling
familiar emotions of acute grief leading up to your birthday and also because of
the rapidly changing and uncertain times we are all living in right now. I fall
back on the coping skills we developed when you were diagnosed and after you
passed away. It is amazing how what really matters takes center stage in times
of true hardship. You taught us that caring for ourselves emotionally,
spiritually and physically is important always and even more so when we are
grieving. We have been trying to live day to day and simplify things. Where is
our emotional energy going right now and how are we recharging? Have been some
of the questions I have been asking myself lately, especially with Callum and
Isla returning to school and Dad and I returning to work. You taught us that
stepping back for as long as we need whenever we need to is ok and encourages
self reflection, a quietness and growth. When things are hard scaling life back
and focusing on what is most important has been a vital coping strategy for us.
Interesting how a meal becomes more savoured, a laugh with friends and family
feels like a comforting sigh of relief and a hug from Isla and Callum feels like
a warm gift from you. Scaling it back and taking in the little things is really
us working on being more mindful and present. We need that. </div><div><br /></div><div>When you were
diagnosed with SMA we instantly began thinking about the ways we could modify
life and adapt so you could enjoy everything to the fullest. You loved the car
yet had to lay flat to breathe properly so Grandpa helped us to modify your car
seat so you could enjoy your nightly car rides. You loved the bath so we
modified your bath seat so you could enjoy that special time in the water. Our
amazing OT was always modifying toys to make them accessible for you. We found
new ways of doing things and we had to let go of things that no longer worked
for our new way of living. I am drawing inspiration from you as always as we
enter our new back to school and work routines. I know it is ok to mourn and
grieve for the life, plans and hopes we all had while at the same time living
fully by modifying the way we once did things and discovering completely new
experiences and ways of doing things. We do not have to wait for “things to be
better” to live fully. Life includes all of the feelings even the really hard
and uncomfortable ones. Life is not simply good or bad days it is a blend of
authentic human experiences. One essential ingredient to coping has always been
hope even a small flicker along with patience and compassion towards ourselves
and others goes a long way to healing. There has been a lot of discussion lately
about the importance of being adaptable. I fully agree that being adaptable is
essential however in order to adapt we must allow ourselves to step back, feel
it all and evolve in a natural way. We must take time to truly know ourselves
and what we stand for. Humans do this naturally but it is not linear and each
one of us will evolve and adapt in our own way at our own pace. </div><div><br /></div><div>Just like the
caterpillar who becomes the butterfly I know we will get there and the journey
in evolving can’t be conjured or rushed. We are adapting throughout the entire
process. We will continue to take it one day at a time being mindful, gentle and
loving to ourselves and others. Emersyn you continue to be our source of
mindfulness and connection to what life is really all about. We know your story
and gifts are helping so many people right now and we hope that on your 12th
birthday you can feel our love and thanks. We miss you deep in our hearts and we
celebrate you and the magical person you are. Even beyond earth you continue to
evolve and grow my dear girl and we will continue to do the same. Happy 12th birthday beautiful Emersyn we love you
and miss you always!
</div><div><br /></div><div>Love</div><div>Mom, Dad, Isla, Callum and all of your family and friends xoxoxo</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5dqT88HICO21vMe0JLMWHhmfTBoao5dJQAadsT9s_68jjTGmSLyasimNhQrdHa7GcMXy-bKGo2SYRow11q6-GwYdps08JRvZHbuoyipt7nE4CoZiNuVkAkPAmL5nrboHHaYjhlKvQU25n/s600/butterfly-quotes-about-change.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="600" data-original-width="460" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5dqT88HICO21vMe0JLMWHhmfTBoao5dJQAadsT9s_68jjTGmSLyasimNhQrdHa7GcMXy-bKGo2SYRow11q6-GwYdps08JRvZHbuoyipt7nE4CoZiNuVkAkPAmL5nrboHHaYjhlKvQU25n/s320/butterfly-quotes-about-change.jpg" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEheAjsLptJdB61EXLKdyoLeBMh7mTo11kONYrJ0yJ3BftqhkxY5gvbTvrx47ZcxhtJHafsJu4ex4kHoxm4k-EZ_suobvvoUTNHf6GYJB-Mfa0zIq-ZIJfGAxlwJahdI_PrlNRNjXfs9h63x/s2048/65464508-A607-4768-AA3E-64880265E7C8.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="2048" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEheAjsLptJdB61EXLKdyoLeBMh7mTo11kONYrJ0yJ3BftqhkxY5gvbTvrx47ZcxhtJHafsJu4ex4kHoxm4k-EZ_suobvvoUTNHf6GYJB-Mfa0zIq-ZIJfGAxlwJahdI_PrlNRNjXfs9h63x/s320/65464508-A607-4768-AA3E-64880265E7C8.JPG" /></a></div><br /><div><br /></div>Emersyn Paigehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16460601651616350527noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4357160383223573772.post-55804574202859272542020-04-07T08:32:00.004-04:002020-04-07T08:54:00.914-04:00Angel Date ~ Little Big Things<br />
This will be our 11th Angel Date Emersyn and with what is happening in the world right now with Covid-19 it is certainly a flash back for us. When we found out at just 4 months old that you had SMA we isolated away from the world in our home in the middle of winter. A simple cold could have been fatal for you as SMA weakened all of your muscles including the muscles needed to swallow, breathe and cough. We had signs up in our home that read “please wash and sanitize your hands” along with masks, gloves, a pulse ox and other medical supplies and equipment needed for your care. This way of life quickly became our new normal yet felt anything but normal. The rest of the world carried on and we came to a screeching halt into isolation and fear of any germs coming our way as we did everything we could to protect you. We feared grocery stores,coughing people,germs in the pediatricians office and in the emergency room when we rode by ambulance after Daddy brought you back with CPR. We lived on high alert but we also created memories that would last a lifetime. The joy and the pain co-existed at maximum capacity in the small moments that meant everything.<br />
<br />
I remember my whole body aching when I would wake up. I was overwhelmed with worry, fear, anxiety you name it and I remember wondering why I was so tired when I was home all day. I know now that grief and trauma can be as exhausting as a marathon if not more so. I also remember the moments of anxiety would be quieted with one look at you and we would start the day with a cuddle, a song and always somewhere in there some good laughs! We sat in our family room reading books, cuddling, singing, dancing or just sitting together playing in your baby gym with the lightest weight toys fashioned by Auntie Erin or our wonderful OT…. and those were the moments I could feel my heart fill up with joy. Even after your official diagnosis in the Neurologists office at McMaster Auntie Catherine,Daddy and I were singing and dancing with you when we left. No matter how scary of a night we had we learned the next morning we would reset, rally and embrace the moments together.<br />
<br />
I remember the week you were diagnosed saying to Granny that I felt like I needed to be in the hospital. Of course that quickly changed as home became our oasis but I remember thinking that we should be taken care of so we could just spend time together. I remember saying that I was in so much pain at the thought of losing you that I should be wearing a hospital gown eating jello as being home trying to carry on as normal felt impossible at first. The next day I remember Granny leaving a huge bowl of jello on my porch and Auntie Catherine and Auntie Erin leaving me a box of heart shaped ginger cookies as that is all I could eat some days. Just knowing that people were there for us was enough to give me strength to keep going. I still have a little bag of those ginger snap cookies by my bed to remind me that it is the small things that carry us through.<br />
<br />
A shower helped me. I learned that waking up and showering first thing, getting dressed and putting on some makeup (as crazy as that sounds) made me feel better. Although I would often feel too exhausted to dry my hair I always felt better after a shower. A routine in the day felt good, even a simple one. I quickly realized that these self caring rituals that at first seemed selfish made me a better Mom and able to continue to rise each day. A hot drink, a call from a friend, a laugh, a cry,a short drive and any expression of emotion was a huge help in my coping and bringing me back to my greatest joy which was creating memories with you. You taught us the little moments from our bed looking out the window at the sunny white snow or singing Bob Marley songs from the hospital bed with my sisters was where the meaning was. Before social media was big a small note, card, gift or email from someone meant so much and still does. Amidst all of the pain we learned to surrender into love and savour the little things. The kindness rocks we have found in the neighbourhood on our walks this week, the notes and cards from friends when we need them most all of these little things have kept us going and feeling connected to you. As I see people coming out of their homes to cheer for our medical heros at shift change or giving a huge thank-you to our delivery drivers and grocery store workers it is all of these things that help us make it through. So today as I think of ways to honour you I think helping others with your story would be what you would want us to do. In sharing this little big thing our hope is that even for a moment someone smiles or feels some peace today. So here is me sharing your message with the world and hoping it helps even a little…..<br />
<br />
Hello Beautiful Amazing World,<br />
<br />
It’s me Emersyn sending everyone in the world right now a special message that I hope will help you feel even a little bit better. You all helped me so much so I will continue to try my hardest to help all of you when you need me most. I know you are having a really hard time right now and I am so sorry you are all going through this. I want everyone to know that it’s ok to have hard days, you are human and need to honour these normal and powerful feelings. Being strong doesn't mean ignoring hard emotions it means feeling them, expressing them and doing our best to care for ourselves and others. Sometimes our best is PJ’s all day and spending time on the couch together and that is just fine. Some of my best memories were days like that. <br />
<br />
I was worried that the weight of my diagnosis would be so heavy my family and friends wouldn't be able to have moments of fun and joy with me. What I learned was even though they were heart broken, sad and scared they would always find time each day to just be together with me and do little things that felt so big. They were brave and I was so proud of them. While the world was happening right outside our snowy window it was like we were living in a bubble where none of the things they thought mattered before mattered anymore. People used to drop food on my porch since my parents were too scared to go to the grocery store in case they caught a virus and brought those germs home to me. My parents did not want to go out in public places where there were lots of people so when visitors came we had signs up to remind them about hand washing and sanitizing which everyone was really good about. Everyone was really brave. I thought all of my family, friends and even people I never met were my heros.<br />
<br />
I want everyone to know that although these days are hard and scary you were made for this. When all else fails love and hope remain and I promise you they will carry you through your darkest days. I remember in my final days in the ICU at McMaster Children’s Hospital when my Aunties and Mom sang Three Little Birds to me, I remember when my Dad would place me on my sheepie and hold me up and we would pretend to be cowboys dancing up and down the hallway,I remember my Mom wanted to just take me to the park so we went and she placed me on her chest and we slid down the slide together, I remember when my cousins would read me stories with such animation I would laugh with my belly, I remember when my Granny and Grandpa would do a puppet show for me and make me smile. None of these things cost a thing because nothing money could buy could create the memories we made. <br />
<br />
When I passed away with my Mom and Dad beside me they felt my soul leave this world on this exact day in April 11 years ago. What they did not know then was that all of the little things were actually the biggest things that created memories for a lifetime. It is the little things that slow us down long enough to really understand why we are here and how important caring for each other really is. So my hope on my Angel Date today is that you find a little thing and allow yourself to feel like it is a really big and amazing thing. I promise you that your little things moments will become the best part of your day and will become some of your best memories. If you feel like sharing your little moments with my parents today I know it would certainly cheer them up. I know they love to hear when I have touched your hearts. <br />
<br />
You are all staying home for really big reasons and it is not easy. I see my brother and sister missing their friends and family while trying to learn at home while my parents are trying to do the same. I want you all to know that you are amazing magnificent humans and I have your back. You can do this guys because you already are and if you need someone to talk to I am here to listen.<i></i><br />
<br />
Keep making the little things big,<br />
Love Angel Emersyn xoxoxo<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9m1G3rW4qlVf4t4-6pX1JMcxiLNCtWAGUK9J_cZCkCA7VbUZskwA92zqA4e_7EjQJzU8_ST2aX72mpUiBigVqSOak-s-SHVn4WLt45WVAtLaw_3IXZmm3XznVeqmbYrEGuy9cSbCFjclQ/s1600/15A55B8F-DA43-4802-B033-0E547EAC39DA.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1600" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9m1G3rW4qlVf4t4-6pX1JMcxiLNCtWAGUK9J_cZCkCA7VbUZskwA92zqA4e_7EjQJzU8_ST2aX72mpUiBigVqSOak-s-SHVn4WLt45WVAtLaw_3IXZmm3XznVeqmbYrEGuy9cSbCFjclQ/s320/15A55B8F-DA43-4802-B033-0E547EAC39DA.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2f2YQZIW_TlVPSupfT7qySG3BXIjKUIaDvkiiZS3S2GyViGVPoDooTuc2vCQPWdxwaqYsQkLeDhyphenhyphen64yp7WlK-nrH9uj6RNLBIqpny0aexh-EUnsCgZbLt8b584zOA-oNpKS09zq8AktOI/s1600/5828ECBD-0C71-4026-A90D-45E25975BB6C.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1600" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2f2YQZIW_TlVPSupfT7qySG3BXIjKUIaDvkiiZS3S2GyViGVPoDooTuc2vCQPWdxwaqYsQkLeDhyphenhyphen64yp7WlK-nrH9uj6RNLBIqpny0aexh-EUnsCgZbLt8b584zOA-oNpKS09zq8AktOI/s320/5828ECBD-0C71-4026-A90D-45E25975BB6C.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIkRTSMd_WGsYNpC5GZXHKAjpizqJOht7zkYynVF0IoUv-84wcKgLAnhU6co5c-VEvGKqYhpZFaDEWe39Mx0rqTDDre4FuAzyzNc4wgF9BGV_hc7_LiyGTKjh7vbwu1PAxGkiIm5pHLxOF/s1600/IMG_7827.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="555" data-original-width="750" height="237" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIkRTSMd_WGsYNpC5GZXHKAjpizqJOht7zkYynVF0IoUv-84wcKgLAnhU6co5c-VEvGKqYhpZFaDEWe39Mx0rqTDDre4FuAzyzNc4wgF9BGV_hc7_LiyGTKjh7vbwu1PAxGkiIm5pHLxOF/s320/IMG_7827.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNXPkvH11igEZIG3q7vs29leDS-WnUM6wYpbnywYqAUZUPJKVvkTANyJzcb25n1aCkOrykqmqX5mof_zsI14fIewMZtZiSCrBcoaSDFJR117OgaeEs2G1NYARB1PiV94vsTw1AKoqHlOcf/s1600/IMG_7826.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="731" data-original-width="738" height="317" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNXPkvH11igEZIG3q7vs29leDS-WnUM6wYpbnywYqAUZUPJKVvkTANyJzcb25n1aCkOrykqmqX5mof_zsI14fIewMZtZiSCrBcoaSDFJR117OgaeEs2G1NYARB1PiV94vsTw1AKoqHlOcf/s320/IMG_7826.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
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Emersyn Paigehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16460601651616350527noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4357160383223573772.post-25505184227576107792019-09-16T16:47:00.003-04:002019-09-16T16:47:49.641-04:00Happy 11th Birthday Emersyn September 16th 2008 is your day Emersyn. Today represents the sacred day you were born and a day I will never forget. I can recall every detail of that day and the transformation that I felt meeting you for the first time. I remember my 22 hour labour and look back on this as the most sacred experience of my life. You would be 11 years old today and in Grade 6 and no doubt an amazing girl with a magnetic spirit and dreams bigger than I could fathom. Some may wonder why 11 years later I still write to you on your birthday but you know it is a not a choice it is a fundamental need I have to connect with you and share your legacy.<br />
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At every birthday celebration I go to I think of how you only had one when you were 5 months old when we decided to have a big party for you. After you were diagnosed with SMA at 4 months old we did not know how long we would have with you. We marked each day and month with mindful gratitude amidst the sorrow of your diagnosis. I felt like I could conquer anything the day you were born and I remember feeling like the rest of me was born that day along with you. Bursting with pride and hope we brought you home our perfect baby girl and we could not wait for our friends and family to meet this incredible little human and the best part of ourselves. Just like that feeling of wanting to share you with everyone then I still have that desire to share you with the world so here I am on your birthday like I do each year sharing you.<br />
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I share you through the lessons you continue to teach me and I reflect on the way I have changed. At 42 I feel very different than I did at 31 but what has not changed is the love and empathy you rooted deep within me. When I find myself getting caught up in the day to day schedule I stop, close my eyes take a deep breath and ground myself with you. In a time of technology overload, social media saturation and less face to face time with each other I think about those 7 months with you. We were tuned into you and our family and friends on a sacred level of connection that we will never forget.<br />
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Humans are meant to be together and you taught us that ten fold. We may travel the world in search of new places, things to see and people to meet but nothing will compare to being tucked away at home with you watching the snow fall and feeling your warm snuggles and chubby hands holding ours. You grounded us in a love and mindfulness that I strive to feel at that level again in a world where we need it more now than ever.<br />
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May your life, legacy and spirit continue to be that grounding force for us and others who may need it in their journey. You taught us that we didn't have to be anywhere special to feel love, connection and peace we only had to be together. Today as we always do Isla, Callum, Daddy and I will be together and remember the amazing day you were born. We still cannot believe you were born 11 years ago as it felt like yesterday I was calling daddy to tell him I was in labour and beyond excited to meet you. The first granddaughter in our family was arriving and everyone was elated. As long as I live your birthday will continue to be sacred and I hope that your message of grounding love, togetherness and peace helps anyone who might need it. So today we will close our eyes, take a deep breath and think of your life and spirit to help us to cope, navigate and appreciate this extraordinary journey we are all on together.<br />
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Just after I wrote this message to you this morning I received an email from a family thanking us for the sheepskin we donate to newly diagnosed families through Families of SMA Canada care packages. The family shared their gratitude and said that their little boy is feeling comfortable and cozy on his new sheepskin and is also enjoying holding your card with your picture on it. It is no coincidence that I opened the email from this special family today. Emersyn you continue to amaze us with your gifts that continue to help others and us when we need it most. Thank-you to this special family and their sweet boy for reaching out to us and sharing your beautiful pictures we are so grateful. Thank-you for letting us share your pictures on Emersyn's special day it means the world to us.<br />
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This <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?reload=9&v=KSntFujR6Yw">song</a> is for you Emersyn on your 11th birthday we love you and miss you always. Thank-you to all of our family and friends who continue to help us carry Emersyn's legacy. We are eternally grateful for all of your love and support.<br />
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Love,<br />
Mom, Dad,Isla and Callum xoxoxoxoxo<br />
<span id="goog_1348365675"></span><br />
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Emersyn Paigehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16460601651616350527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4357160383223573772.post-84860809468995809192019-04-07T11:09:00.000-04:002019-04-07T11:10:59.052-04:0010 Years an Angel - Carry You10 years is a significant number. It is a milestone number usually recognized in celebration of something special. I wish this 10th milestone was a celebration but today it’s a reflection and a time of grief and remembrance for our family. Ten Christmas mornings, 10 Easter’s, 10 birthdays, 10 first days of school, 10 Halloween's, and here we are 10 years to the day of your passing my dear Emersyn. I have always been honest in sharing our journey and in that honesty is healing which I hope somehow helps others in their struggles. <br />
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Oh the journey we have traveled over these 10 years since we walked out of McMaster Children’s hospital and held you all the way to the funeral home. In the days leading up to your funeral I remember Auntie Erin and Auntie Catherine shopping at a boutique downtown Oakville to select outfits for us to dress you in. I remember the store owner closing the boutique so they could assist in finding you something special. In the end we chose the soft pj’s and laid the dresses over you as dresses never were your thing although you loved options..just like your Mama. I remember sitting in the Glen Oaks office trying to pick your spot, stone and bench wondering if every flickering light was you. I never realized the two angels engraved on your bench on either side of your name were a boy and a girl Angel until after I had Isla and Callum. Everything is 20/20 in hindsight as I look back on the journey over the past 10 years. <br />
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Our souls are ancient and our hearts are both heavy and full. We have danced with grief for 10 years and it is a part of our family that needs space, time and attention. Both love and grief live in our home. If it were not for grief we would not have healing so we have let grief in and made a place for this misunderstood human entity. I am proud of us for carrying our grief and I am so grateful to our family and friends for carrying it alongside us. It takes a village to raise a child and it has taken a village to support us in losing you. We understand that we have a lifetime of navigating and integrating our loss by making room for grief care. We will forever balance tending to grief while not letting it harden us because when that happens you can’t reach us. The softness in the sorrow is you and we know for certain the other side of love is grief so we go where it takes us just as we always have for the past 10 years.<br />
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This weekend grief has taken us away for the first time on your Angel Date. We have never been able to be away on this day before as we needed to be home in retreat.This year we wanted to come to Gravenhurst Muskoka to go back again to the Children’s Memorial Gazebo that we magically came across in our early grief before your brother and sister were born. To do this we carved out time away from the usual weekend commitments. When we came home from work each day this past week we stayed up late to do the housework, laundry, my course work and groceries so we could have the gift of time together this weekend.<br />
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We know ten years in that we need time as a family without the regular weekend checklist that we always tend to. Road Trips and driving have always been helpful for us over the years since losing you. Road trips allow us to sit quietly, listen to music, take in the scenery and just be with our thoughts. On our way up we stopped at Glen Oaks and cleaned up from the long winter. Ten years has taught us to always bring water and gardening supplies to clean your bench and stone properly. This year was the first time that bagpipes played in the background as we cleaned and decorated your spot while another family began their grief journey. Bagpipes are special to us and are a tribute to your Scottish roots, they are something that a milestone of 10 years deserves. Thank-you for that moment Emersyn we felt you with us.<br />
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We are here now in Gravenhurst at the same hotel near the spot your Dad and I found when we were in a very low point of hope after you passed. This was a turning point in our journey as we knew for sure you were always with us. Discovering the Children’s Memorial was one of the most sacred experiences for us next to the day you and your siblings were born. This morning we will go up to the gazebo overlooking the water that is just beginning to thaw. We will journey up the little trail with Isla and Callum and we will find you there. The certainty of you we have after ten years is something we did not have when we first lost you. Was that butterfly or bird you? Was that song at just the right time you or was I making something out of nothing? We no longer ask others or ourselves if it is you as we simply know. We know how to be parents between worlds now and we know how to carry you. It is a skill I wish we did not have but out of necessity we have developed the ability to carry you here, there and everywhere we go in everything we do. A few years ago I posted this poem by E.E. Cummings as it captures our journey on this earth without you physically with us. <br />
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<i>“I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart) I am never without it </i><br />
<i>(anywhere I go you go,my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing,my darling)</i><br />
<i>I fear no fate (for you are my fate,my sweet) I want no world (for beautiful you are my world,my true)</i><br />
<i>and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you</i><br />
<i>here is the deepest secret nobody knows</i><br />
<i>(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows</i><br />
<i>higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)</i><br />
<i>and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart</i><br />
<i>I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)”.</i><br />
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I cannot change that you passed my sweet girl and each time I try it creates an indescribable level of pain. Ten years in I know this Emersyn. So instead I will share gratitude for your teachings over the past 10 years that have shaped the person I am….my flaws, wounds and all. I have so much gratitude for the support of our family, friends and people we continue to meet who remember and carry you with us. The community who carried us on the day of your diagnosis, throughout your life on earth and on the day of your passing on April 7th 2009 and everyday since then. To the hundreds of souls who carried us the day of your funeral we will never forget your heartfelt support. To the love we feel today sent to us from so many lives you have touched Emersyn. We have deep gratitude for our village we know you feel the same. You have carried all of us when we need you and you remind us that what matters most is caring for each other. When we care for each other we are doing our best work. <br />
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Thank-you Emersyn for inspiring us to reach deep and do our best even when we feel at our lowest. I hope everyone who has been touched by your life and our journey over the past 10 years feels our gratitude for helping to carry your heart. We will carry you to the Gazebo this morning where something greater will carry all of us just like the day you passed. A sacred moment where earth will meet heaven and our hearts will intertwine and we will be carried together by love. <br />
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Ten years later Emersyn I carry you here, I carry you there and I always will because you are my heart. Ten years later we do not move on from your passing we carry on with you in our hearts until we meet again.<br />
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We played this song at your funeral and the significance is felt so strongly today beautiful girl ~ <br />
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/goog_1765351226"><br /></a>
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iXRJtsbYcSM">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iXRJtsbYcSM</a><br />
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Love you always and forever,<br />
<br />
Mommy, Daddy, Isla and Callum xoxoxoxoxo<br />
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<br />Emersyn Paigehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16460601651616350527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4357160383223573772.post-11072181240137925562018-09-15T22:58:00.002-04:002018-09-16T06:19:47.136-04:00Happy 10th Birthday Beautiful Emersyn<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">It is the night before your 10th birthday Emersyn and I want to write to you now because we will be heading to a special place of yours tomorrow with your sister and brother. We are planning on driving up to Gravenhurst where your Dad and I went for a weekend away when we were in our early years of grief. This was at a time when Isla and Callum were not with us yet and I was not sure if we would ever have more children so we were at a crossroads in our grief. I wasn't up for going anywhere but we decided to go for a weekend away in Muskoka to be closer to nature and you. The plan was we would just feel as low as we felt and just be. Having a plan even it we didn’t follow through with it gave us some comfort.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; white-space: pre-wrap;">The first morning away we went for a hike and just as I stopped to sit by the lake your Dad walked to the top of a path and he was shocked at what he saw. He asked me to come and look at what appeared to be one of the most soulful signs from you that we have ever experienced. At the bottom of the path were breathtaking signs that read <i>“path of memories, we have a dream our children remembered forever”</i> which led us to a Children's Memorial Gazebo on lake Muskoka for bereaved parents. We had no idea this existed and what were the odds that we randomly stumbled upon such a haven at such a low point in our journey? Coincidence was not a possibility it was divinely you and we were in awe, tears, laughter and total disbelief that this was happening! We sat stunned and read the beautiful plaques dedicated to the dear children who have passed and we cried.</span><br />
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "arial"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Bright blue and red dragonflies had been whizzing around us all day and gave us a visit as we sat down in the memorial. We thanked you for finding us and lifting the veil between heaven and earth just when we needed it most. We called your Granny and Grandpa to tell them where we were and what we had found. We then placed a special request to dedicate a plaque to you and we spoke with the amazing bereaved parents who created this sacred place in honour of their precious child. Your plaque was added to the Children’s Memorial and your Dad and I have been back a few times to visit the place where you truly found us. I wrote a</span><a href="http://emersynpaige.blogspot.com/2010/09/happy-2nd-birthday-beautiful-emersyn.html" style="text-decoration-line: none;"><span style="color: #1155cc; font-family: "arial"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> blog here</span></a><span style="color: black; font-family: "arial"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> about it for your second birthday as we had to share this sacred experience. We took your sister there when she was a baby but we would like to take both Isla and Callum and show them the place where you found us and gave us hope.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; white-space: pre-wrap;">So this is our plan to help us be near you on your birthday. We will go to the beautiful place where the veil was lifted and heaven met earth in that moment in time. I remember trying to convince myself before finding</span><span style="font-family: "arial"; white-space: pre-wrap;"> the memorial that I shouldn't need signs to know you are with me.. but I do. I need these moments because I am human and life gets crazy and I need those grounding signs to hold on to you. I need to have moments when our two worlds meet and the noise of life tunes out and I can feel your head in my arms and your heart beating next to mine. The songs on the radio, the messages from friends at just the right time, the children’s memorial that appeared and the fire I feel in my soul to keep going when I have nothing left has to be you. </span><span style="font-family: "arial"; white-space: pre-wrap;">I wonder if you knew in showing us the memorial that not long after that day I would become pregnant with Isla. I also wonder if you knew that just having a plan for tomorrow to visit this special place has helped us cope with the days leading up to your birthday. I also wonder if you knew that a quiet peaceful drive up there also helps us to cope when you chose this spot. I say I wonder but really I know because I am your Mom and you are mine and we know each other better than I know myself.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Ten years ago on this day my water broke at home around 4pm and I called your Dad and I remember feeling both scared and beyond excited to meet you. I remember sitting in the bedroom by myself getting ready to leave for the hospital and thinking that I wanted to hold you but I also wanted to hang on to you in my pregnancy just a little longer. I remember calling my amazing midwives and working through contractions while talking to them on the phone before they arrived. I remember feeling euphoric after your long and beautiful birth and I felt a sense of fullness that I never knew existed. I remember my Mom walking in the hospital room and I was holding you just as proud as a Mama bear. I know every parent feels their baby is the most special and I was no different as I felt you were sent straight from heaven just for us.</span><span style="font-family: arial; white-space: pre-wrap;">Ten years ago on September 16th 2008 our special little girl Emersyn Paige Klomp was born and so were her Mom and Dad. We drove you home and I sat with your car seat in the back and said to your Dad if anything ever happened to you I don’t know what I would do. That was before I knew my time with you would be short. I remember the day you were born like it was yesterday and the pride and pure love I feel for you spills out everyday.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Our love that was lit has continued to grow in all of its power. And I remember every birthday since then and the countless ways you have reached us to give us those tangible moments of connection when we need you most. I have so much love for you and I need places to put it and plans to help carry it even if we are too sad to go a plan and a place feels good to have. </span><span style="font-family: "arial"; white-space: pre-wrap;">So today we will go to the place you found us at our lowest and share it with Isla and Callum and we know you will find us there. We know this because you are ours and we are yours for ten years now and forever more our sweet Emersyn Paige. </span><span style="font-family: "arial"; white-space: pre-wrap;">We will see you tomorrow on your 10th birthday in the Gazebo by the water....</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "arial"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">You are ours and we are yours and this song is for you because we know you send it to us when we need you most ~ </span><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VN132UG7uzI" style="text-decoration-line: none;"><span style="color: #1155cc; font-family: "arial"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I'm Yours</span></a><br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Happy 10th Birthday my Sweet Angel we love you,</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Mommy, Daddy, Isla and Callum xoxoxoxoxo</span><br />
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Emersyn Paigehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16460601651616350527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4357160383223573772.post-91270454467885802852018-04-07T16:18:00.000-04:002018-04-07T18:14:48.331-04:00Pressing the Pause Button in Honour of Emersyn9 years ago today on April 7th we lay on either side of Emersyn and felt her spirit leave this world on a snowy day much like today. In fact the snow only came moments after she passed and someone said that God turned off the weather in that moment as earth just lost a great soul. The strange thing is when we left the hospital carrying Emersyn in our arms to take her to the funeral home I did not feel one ounce of the cold.<br />
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I have replayed her passing so many times in my head and everyday we work around the hole. The hole of missing her smile, her soft dark hair and warm brown eyes. Every single day we carry our grief no matter what is happening at work, at home, with the kids or in the world we will never take off the shoes of being bereaved parents. And we have learned to do this over the years but not without a toll of course so we have to pace ourselves. Today, although we have worn these shoes for 9 long years it feels like we lost her yesterday and we feel the load is too heavy to carry. A restless and deep sorrow bubbles right to the surface and we know it well. A mixed bag of aching love and raw grief and what a combination those two great emotions are to make sense of.<br />
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The past few weeks have been exhausting building up to this day. The season, the month, Easter and the talk of Spring all started to slowly trigger the iceberg of grief. We know what our triggers are now but the only trouble is we don't know when they will happen or how we will react. Sometimes I am tapped out and can't shed another tear and other times a simple song comes on in the car and I am right back to the day we lost her.<br />
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Jay and I dropped Isla and Callum at my parents house today so we could have some time to process, reflect and grieve. Thank-you for your support as always Mom and Dad. Grief is such a personal experience so while Jason sits downstairs I am upstairs looking at her pictures and writing. It doesn't get easier with time but we have found some self care strategies that help.<br />
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When we drove back from the cemetery I said to Jason that the best way for people to honour Emersyn today would be to do some self care. I say this as lately I have felt tired, worn down and in need of some self care. I remember when Emersyn was alive a simple shower, cup of coffee or chat with family or friends really helped me to cope. I look back on those simple things and realize how important they were and how grateful I felt for those little things. I learned gratitude for the smallest things while I felt my greatest love and my greatest pain. I know Emersyn would want us all to stop functioning on overdrive, press the pause button and do something even a small thing that makes us feel cared for.<br />
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A great gift that Emersyn gave us was slowing down time when she was alive. I can truly say that everyday she was with us felt so important and those simple moments felt so rich. We knew that we had very limited time with our daughter and although she never traveled the world with us our everyday moments were steeped in joy and love. I did not care about taking care of myself when Emersyn was diagnosed with SMA. However I quickly learned that to take care of Emersyn and be there for her the small things like a cup of coffee or a chat with a friend would help me to be a better Mom.<br />
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In honour of Emersyn's beautiful life and the touchstone she has become for so many people we are asking this today....<br />
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Please press pause on the overdrive button and be kind to yourself. Take a walk, call a friend, read a book, write, eat a treat, take a nap, forgive yourself....or just sit and cuddle with the ones you love even if you only have 5 minutes. It is in these moments that you are letting your heart breathe, fill up and feel gratitude. Emersyn taught us that humans are resilient and can endure a great deal but life can take a toll on our bodies, minds and spirits. Self care is spiritual as it starts with looking within to figure out what might help and results in more energy to care for and connect with others.<br />
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In honour of Emersyn we are asking that all of our family, friends and anyone reading her blog please take a moment and be kind to your body, mind and heart today. My self care today is allowing time for my grief to just be without limitations. It is amazing what the heart can do when we fill it up.<br />
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Thank-you to our beautiful Emersyn for filling our hearts up daily and to everyone who has carried us over the past 9 years we are so grateful. Our hope is that you care for yourself today so you can care for and connect with others always.<br />
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We miss you Emersyn everyday and we will continue on this messy journey trying to look for hearts to fill with your love,<br />
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Love,<br />
Mommy, Daddy, Isla, Callum and all of your family and friends xoxoxoxoxoxoxo<br />
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<br />Emersyn Paigehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16460601651616350527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4357160383223573772.post-3020069634284108832017-09-16T16:37:00.000-04:002017-09-16T16:43:40.544-04:00Butterflies Fly Away ~ Happy 9th Birthday Sweet Emersyn<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Today is Emersyn’s 9th birthday and my sweet girl would be in Grade 4 and no doubt just as funny and adventurous and unique as Isla and Callum. 9 years ago today after a long labour I felt like I could do anything because I had her. I remember having so much confidence that I actually slept in the hospital that night and sent Jason home while Emersyn and I slept soundly until morning. No one else was in our room and the maternity ward was slow that night and my daughter and I slept peacefully. I have never slept as soundly as I did that night and I wonder now if that was meant to happen as I would need my rest for what was to come. I may engage in life more now and carry my grief more privately but it is always there in all of it’s intensity a living breathing life line to Emersyn. Today I exhale and take my armour off and let myself fall as today I cannot carry the backpack of grief and juggle all the things that life involves not today. Today I am all about you Emerysn.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I woke up this morning had a shower got dressed went downstairs and let it hit me in all it’s impact. Isla and Callum got up and Jay made our usual Saturday morning pancakes while Isla wrapped her existing toys and put them in gift bags to take to the cemetery. Callum said he wanted to give you 8 cars how cute is he? We then went to the store and Isla came in with me to ask for balloons to be blown up and when the cashier asked who they were for Isla replied “my sister she’s 9 and she is in heaven and we are visiting her today so tie them tight”. Just as I was about to give my rehearsed response which I am more prepared for now 8 years in Isla chimes in and is sharing her sister’s legacy and I stood in Longo’s and I cried. I could barely speak as Isla smiled at the helium balloons being blown up and was in awe as she watched them float up to the moon as she says. The cashier stopped and looked at me and Isla differently and said “I think our next ribbon should be a gold one just for your sister she sounds pretty special”. I could tell our cashier wasn’t having a good day but as soon as Isla shared that these balloons were for her sister’s birthday in heaven it was like a light went on and Emersyn’s gifts were opened right in front of us. Isla was sharing her sister's gifts on her birthday.</span></div>
<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">It is what I like to believe is perspective, my little 9 year old Angel gives me this daily when I think things are stressful or too difficult I remember what she went through and how short her life was and I remind myself of perspective. I remember what we as a family have gone through and I think although my reserves are nearly tapped out I am able to carry on because nothing could be as bad as losing my daughter. I saw this woman who I just met stop and look at us and literally change as her eyes welled up and a smile came across her face as she chose the gold ribbon for the last balloon. She suddenly stood taller and more present and said “let me cut your flowers down to the right size for the cemetery I will be right back”. I could feel her sense of desire to help us as she cut them down to just the right size for the vase. She then found a bag for us to carry the balloons so they wouldn't fly away in the car and helped us carry everything and wrapped the flowers even though she knew where we were taking them. I felt her watching us as we went back to the car to meet Callum and Jason and I thanked Emersyn for reminding all of us that it is the little things we can do for each other that can make all the difference. I was also given perspective and felt gratitude to the kind stranger who carefully prepared her balloons and flowers for us today.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">In a world that is crazy, hectic, media overloaded and constantly changing Emersyn is my mindfulness. She is my gentle compass guiding me back to what is right, what is kind and what really matters. She is the root of my empathy and the multiple lenses I look through when I consider different perspectives. She is also the root of my advocacy in my career that I love as a Special Education Teacher and as an advocate for my own children. Emersyn you are my lighthouse in the storm and my gold ribbon that ties me together when I feel weak.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Sometimes I can’t quite process that the greatest loss has happened to us because it is just too big to wrap my head and heart around. I think consciously and subconsciously I am always trying to integrate losing Emersyn into everything I do to continue surviving her death. I take her story and my love for her and I weave it into as many people, stories, songs, butterflies and special moments as I can. I make meaning not of her death because that is unexplainable but of her life and her gifts. Emersyn’s gifts are something I talked about in the eulogy I wrote for her funeral yet as I wrote those words I was not sure how her gifts would find me in such devastating pain. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Emersyn you are 9 today and it should be us showering you with presents and cake and fun crazy birthday celebrations with your friends but instead you keep giving to us. I hope I get it right as I reflect on your gifts so far as I feel you want us all to be reminded today of hope, bravery, compassion, gratitude, empathy, resilience, authenticity, humility, perspective and most of all love. I feared that my pain would dominate everything but I have learned that my pain does not need stifled or removed as it can live and breathe right next to my love for you. As long as my love is there my pain can exist and be channeled into helping others and myself to grow. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And Isla and Callum also wanted me to add that they noticed as we were driving out of the cemetery today the song Party in the USA came on and the line </span><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>“the butterflies fly away”</i></span><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> played on the radio just as a Monarch Butterfly flew over our car! Leave it to my 3 to throw in some pop wisdom for us today ;) I hope as you fly away Emersyn you know that we see your gifts and we hope we received them right my little/big girl.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I hope our gift to you today is continuing to challenge ourselves to do better and be better because we are all a work in progress.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">Happy birthday my sweet, funny, charismatic beautiful Emersyn you are my heart and I hope I am your hands here on earth.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Love,</span></div>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Mommy, Daddy, Isla and Callum xoxoxoxoxo</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
Emersyn Paigehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16460601651616350527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4357160383223573772.post-80195643872579650052017-04-07T15:36:00.001-04:002017-04-07T18:33:43.918-04:008 Years an Angel<div class="MsoNormal">
8 years ago today on April 7<sup>th</sup> 2009 our Emersyn
passed away in our arms at McMaster Children’s hospital while snow fell in slow
motion outside our window of the ICU. Jason and I laid on either side of her for two days and watched her chest
rise and fall and listened to her heart beating. From the point we knew she was
passing we did not want machines telling us her vitals because we already knew.
We were her parents and we knew every move and sound she made, that is what you do
when you are the parents of a child who is medically fragile and who had very
specialized needs. That is what you do when you know your child better than you
know yourself. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The hospital room was dimly
lit and warm and the mood had shifted from crisis management to palliative care
about 24 hours before she left us. My 7
month old daughter had the heart and soul of a warrior she was on her journey
and this was her choosing her time and to this day I do not know how Jason and
I did it but we journeyed as far as she would allow us to go with her. Our
family and friends took their post outside the ICU and held space for us. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We knew when Emersyn was about to take her last breath and
we felt her physical self leave us as we both announced at the same time around
2:00pm “she’s gone”. The snow that day in April continued to fall just like
today and we lay there with Emersyn and slowly started to come back to earth
without her physical self and felt like aliens in the unfamiliar shoes of
bereaved parents. This was so much to
take in so we didn’t take it in shock kicked in and anesthetized us until we
were able to begin to process very small bits over time and in many ways we still are
processing and always will be. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We were starting over from the ground up and looking back
now I know she carried us up and down those ditches, valleys and flatlands of
grief. She strapped us to her wings and carried
us when she could but as we know now grief is the leader and we couldn’t go
around it, we couldn’t go over it we had to go through it and let those waves
hit us. We respect grief now she is an old friend and life line to our girl and
we know that grief doesn’t care about timing it comes when it chooses and
teaches us every day. As we sit here today and look at the journey we know our
grief is not in hindsight. It is a part of us as much as Emersyn is part of us
and it is important to us that people get that and are ok with it. We are very
lucky to have really good people in our lives who do get that and we are
grateful. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have been incredibly blessed to be able to reflect my
grief and healing in the work I do every day. After teaching Grade 1 for many
years I am very grateful to have the opportunity this year to be one of our
Special Education Resource Teachers at my school supporting our students,
teachers and families. I feel extremely connected to Emersyn in my new role as
I always think about the supports she would have needed if she had survived
with SMA and gone to school. My brilliant little girl would have needed really
amazing people who truly got her and her needs and I also know as long as those
supports were there she would have loved school. Emersyn would have roped
everyone in with her captivating eyes and her zest for life and fun! She would have loved all of the advancements
in technology as she would have had some amazing opportunities to communicate
in new ways and share those ideas that I know she would have been so full of. I
will forever consider myself a parent of a child with special needs and I hold
that title with great pride. To me being a parent of a child with special needs
means you know your child better than anyone, you are a fierce advocate and
you develop a keen sense for good people very quickly. I have been so lucky to
have been surrounded on my journey with good people and I know Emersyn has had
a hand in guiding us towards these kind and wise souls.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Emersyn continues to shape who I am and what I stand for
both personally and professionally. Emersyn will always inspire Isla and Callum
who have empathy and compassion on a level that comes through in the most
beautiful ways. Just the other day Callum retired his favourite duck as he said
it was time for it to go to heaven and keep Emersyn company. Isla said I looked
sad today and needed one of her stuffed animals because I miss Emersyn. I think
making meaning from suffering is what keeps us going and gives us purpose. We
all have stories and that is what brings us together as humans and makes us
feel connected. Emersyn’s story is far from over as every time I work with a
student I think about her and what I would have wanted for my child. My hope is
that Emersyn knows that every time we strive to do better and grow she is our driving
force and fuel and our reminder to continue to seek the road less travelled. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When people share with me that Emersyn has inspired them and
her story gives them strength and hope that is the greatest gift I could ever
receive. Thank-you beautiful Emersyn for
continuing to teach us that we are all a work in progress and our grief can also
be our greatest source of love and growth.Thank-you to my beautiful little
girl who did not get to live long in this physical world but continues to find
creative and brilliant ways to reach us on a level that far surpasses what we
can see or touch because it can only be felt in our hearts. I promise you Emersyn that I will continue to spread
that feeling because your love is too good to tuck away it needs to spill over
and shine just like you.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We love you my dear child and I will always see you in the
eyes of the students I work with and in the good in the people I meet and care about so much.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Fly free and spread your love you are missed and loved beyond measure,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Love,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Mommy, Daddy, Isla and Callum xoxoxoxoxoxo</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Emersyn Paigehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16460601651616350527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4357160383223573772.post-85228155018266908012016-09-17T19:02:00.000-04:002016-09-17T21:08:19.876-04:00Happy 8th Birthday Emersyn<div class="MsoNormal">
Dear Emersyn,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am a day late in writing my birthday letter to you my sweet
beautiful girl. I wasn’t feeling very well yesterday and my energy was focused on just getting through the day and letting myself feel what I needed to. I
see myself being more compassionate with myself now in grief and letting it be ok
if I can’t do certain things exactly when I think they should happen. I know
you understand that and in fact I know it is you who has been trying to teach
me that for a while now. I hear you beautiful girl I understand that loving you and missing you
happens every day and sometimes on the extra tough days like your birthday it is ok for me to rest and recoup and give myself a break from the pressure
of doing it all at once. It does not mean I miss you less
or love you less it means I am able to trust in our love and connection and the
power of that. It means I am finding more gems of healing when I allow myself to feel my grief.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Faith is a powerful thing and it has taken time to grow again within me and it is nothing I have done it has evolved on its own on my
journey through honoring grief. Grief is good, grief is sacred and grief is the
other side of deep love they are two powerful emotions and they are drawn from the same well of my soul. Grief feels a lot like love but with an ache
so strong that it can stop me in my tracks and take my breath away. I allowed myself to be stopped in my tracks yesterday
and to not be “ok” I allowed my tears as they truly are sacred healing gems. I allowed myself to
indulge in every detail of your beautiful birth and in the 7 sacred months we
were blessed to have with you. I even allowed myself to go there and imagine
the gorgeous soulful 8 year girl you would have been and what we would have
actually done for your big day. I gave myself permission to go there because in doing so I return stronger.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What an
honour it is to tell your story, what a privilege it is to share your magic and
what a heartache it is you can’t be here with me to tell it in your own words.
All any mother wants is to know her children are safe, happy and loved and I
know you are all of those things but still my heart cries out for you even when
I think I have figured out an agreement with my grief I realize that my Mother’s
heart is primitive and I will forever search in the sunrises, sunsets and stars at night looking for glimpses of you. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Yesterday when I woke up on the morning of your 8th birthday
I said to myself I can’t wait to see how you will find me today. I can’t
wait to see what sure sign you will send me. I am at a point in my journey
where I can confidently say you will find me when I need you most. And as I
opened up my email last night before going to bed our photographer from 2 years
ago who did our family photos with us holding your picture sent me a few
emails of our family picture that she had taken as she wanted to edit it to make the colour better. I haven’t
spoken with her in months and without knowing the significance of September 16<sup>th</sup>
she sent our family pictures of us holding your beautiful photo and said she just
thought she would send these today since she found them a few weeks ago and wanted us to have them. Her timing
was perfect and little did she know she was guided by the hand of my brilliant
8 year old little girl. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You find me when I need you most sweet Emersyn and you
remind me that there is nothing more powerful than the love we share it is pure
and eternal. Heaven and earth are merely a veil between us.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Your Auntie Catherine wrote you the most beautiful card and on the front one of my favourite quotes from the Little Prince ~</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<i>“
In one of the stars I shall be living, in one of them I shall be laughing, and
so it will be as if all the stars were laughing when you look at the sky at
night”~</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I will search for you as long as I live Emersyn and as I am
searching I will spread your love and light. So if you see me smiling at a
butterfly or looking intently at the night sky you know I am searching for you,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Happy 8<sup>th</sup> Birthday to the brightest Angel I know we love you always,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Mommy, Daddy, Isla and Callum xoxoxoxoxoxo</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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Emersyn Paigehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16460601651616350527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4357160383223573772.post-71465083017842754622016-07-09T19:06:00.001-04:002016-07-10T09:31:44.048-04:002016 Rebecca Run for SMA - Emersyn's EntourageAmazing morning at the 2016 Rebecca Run for SMA! So much love felt from friends and family who came out to support Emersyn's Entourage today both in person and online through sponsors and messages! As always the presence of our SMA Angels and Warriors was felt by all and the momentum of positive energy and community strength was palpable. Over $115,000 was raised today for SMA and that is because of each and every person taking action and coming together to raise money towards a CURE which is truly on the horizon. Today was a good day for SMA. Thank you to all who supported this very special event it means more than you know!<br />
<br />
Sincerely with so much love, remembrance and most of all HOPE,<br />
The Klomp Family xoxoxo<br />
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Emersyn Paigehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16460601651616350527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4357160383223573772.post-39743825060000517542016-04-07T11:47:00.001-04:002016-04-07T11:51:43.024-04:007 Years ~ Rainbows and Wildfire<div class="MsoNormal">
Dearest Emersyn,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
7 years ago today on April 7<sup>th</sup> I lost you and 7
years later it is still so hard for me to say that out loud. As your Mother I
can’t seem to say this fact enough times to make it “normal” or less painful because
you are my heart and the driving force behind everything I do. And that is how
I cope with losing you by finding a path and paving it with you. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You always nudge me
to take the road less traveled and to push myself to try harder even when I
think I have gone as far as I can go you show me resilience, perspective and undying
Hope. The truth is I long to talk about you as normally and as often as I talk
about Isla and Callum so today on your Angel
Day as heart breaking as this day is it also feels like I can really talk
about you and how you continue to teach me. I can’t share the small day to day
joys of your tales at school or something funny you did this morning because you
are no longer physically here. But I can share your rainbows, butterflies and
unexplainable moments of connection that without a doubt are you reaching out
and hugging me when I need it most saying “keep going Mom you got this you
CAN do this”. So here is my update Emersyn on how I am doing with your gifts
and what I am spinning my pain into for you and I hope you approve. I hope that these were your intentions sweet
girl and I hope anyone reading this feels your wisdom and can take your good
and continue to spread it like wildfire.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have learned………</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
to live with a heavy
weight on my chest and an aching heart while also feeling joy and love at the
same time. I am your Mother and part of
parenting you from the beyond means that I need to feel connected to you anyway
I can whether it be through heartache or sheer pride that you are mine and I am
yours no matter where you are. I am learning to balance the scales of regular
days and joys that your amazing sister and brother bring me but I also must
make time to feel you and so I am learning the counter balance of these things.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Because of you I don’t
see barriers anymore I see challenges. As a teacher when I walk into my
classroom each day I look at your picture, I feel you with me and ask you to
guide me as an Educator and a role model to my students. I remember all of the fun we had when you were
alive and think about how the wonder of a child can carry any heart away to the
most beautiful of places and diminish the anxiety and fear that a disease like
SMA can cause. I remember being at McMaster
hospital in your final week with my two incredible sisters and singing Bob
Marley’s Three Little Birds while you lay smiling and moving your chubby little
arms back and forth in approval of your serenade. The hospital and the machines
and the weight of what was happening lifted because when you smiled and laughed
nothing else mattered. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have learned that sometimes we can’t fix things in the way
that we may want to so we must change our perspective and create happiness and
celebrate joys in a different way. You have taught me true empathy and real
compassion by always trying to put myself in the other person’s shoes. You are
teaching me the importance of true self care and this is a hard one for me but
I am realizing how important this is. Taking time for fun, my health, my family
and my grief are all important so I am trying to make them all a priority. You have
taught me courage. Every time I think I can’t do something I feel you nudging
me to try it even if it scares me. I think back to those final days of your
life and to your funeral and surviving each day since and I think if I can do
this I can do anything and that is because of you my greatest teacher my sweet
child.</div>
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I have learned that our love transcends this physical world
and because of this I know I will see you again and what a day that will be. So
I hope these are some of the lessons that you have wanted me to learn so far
and I promise I will continue to try and take your gifts and do something good
with them. I will watch for your signs and wait for the lessons. And thanks for
the dose of Hope this morning just when we needed it most. On our way to the cemetery
on this cold and rainy morning while driving Daddy spotted a rainbow that
lasted only a few minutes. On this grey sad day that big bold rainbow stood out and out shined all of the grey
which is such an Emersyn thing to do! I
have become an interpreter of your signs so I am hoping I interpret this correctly
when I say no matter how hard something may seem or how bad we may feel there
is always love and hope and they can all co-exist in this big beautiful messy world
and in our human hearts and there is still raw beauty in that.</div>
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We miss you beyond words and we love you beyond worlds and
although our hearts are so heavy with grief today we see your rainbow and we
carry on with love, hope and so much pride that we are blessed to be your
parents. </div>
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Then, now and forever we love you sweet girl and cherish your gifts,</div>
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Mommy, Daddy, Isla, Callum and all of your extraordinary family and friend’s xoxoxoxoxo</div>
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Emersyn Paigehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16460601651616350527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4357160383223573772.post-50131046087832153902015-09-15T23:53:00.000-04:002015-09-16T08:08:25.337-04:00Happy 7th Birthday Emersyn ~ Do You Remember....<div class="MsoNormal">
Birth plan - check. Hospital bag – check. Car seat and
diaper bag – check. Husband ready with 20 bags and instructions for 20
different things –check! Home birth basket ready to go – just in case. All the ‘checks’
were ready except for one that none of us could have anticipated even in our
weakest moments. Grief plan – we could not have prepared for losing you Emersyn
even when you were diagnosed 4 months after you were born. Nothing could have
prepared us to go from celebrating the birth of our first child on September 16<sup>th</sup>
2008 to saying good-bye to your amazing little self 7 months later. I look back now and I know that I am not the
same person but I am certain that I am and always will be your Mom filled with
memories and love that will never die.</div>
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Today September 16<sup>th</sup> 2015 you turn 7 Emersyn even
in heaven it is your day where the Angels come together and bake a cake and
take you on a whirlwind of birthday fun through the clouds. And I as your Mom will always want to know
that today your day is being honoured and celebrated in some way and somewhere
there is a little gathering of hearts celebrating with you while we honour you
here on earth and send you love, hugs and kisses. I still need to parent you
from the beyond and today especially since I know that if you were still here
with us I would have wanted to make today just perfect just like every parent
wants to make their child's birthday magical and meaningful.</div>
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Today we allow ourselves to unravel in our grief journey and
in that unraveling we are free to feel any and every emotion that comes over
us. We have learned that our heart wound
since losing you is more manageable when we give it the attention and space it
so rightfully deserves. We are getting
better at anticipating the big waves of grief and knowing when it is time to
pull back, be quiet and give our hearts the healing space needed to think, release
and reflect. So today we remember and we won’t hold back for the sake of coping
we will “go there” because we love you and our grief
connects us to you. Grief can be loving, painful, exhausting but most of all it
is a reflection of our love for you so it is worth it.</div>
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I remember being pregnant and fussing over which name we
would give you. I remember taking name polls with my grade 1 class creating our
short list of favourites it was so fun and meaningful to include my students! I
knew I wanted a name that was unique and special….for
some reason I was adamant it had to have a profound meaning. So finally after
much deliberation Emersyn made the cut because not only was it of Scottish
decent (points with my parents!) but the meaning of your name struck
me so much—Home Strength. Your name means Home Strength. Little did I know that Home Strength would be
the words that we would choose to have written on your stone at your special spot
where we now go to honour your memory. Little did we know that we would need
copious amounts of pure Home Strength to cope with your diagnosis and passing.
Little did we know that when we named you we were actually defining the very
thing that would be vital to our survival as a family in grief – Home Strength.
</div>
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We remember when you were born and our family came to meet
you in the hospital and we could not hide our pride at our perfectly content, beautiful, snuggly
and warm miraculous baby girl. I mean
babies are born everyday but we like all new parents, especially first time
parents felt like we were the first people on earth to experience this joy you were absolutely perfect! I remember
our friends meeting you two weeks after you were born and I could hardly
contain my gushing “new Mom obsessive crazy love happiness” when they arrived
to meet you! The image that comes to
mind is when little Simba in the movie The Lion King is presented to the world
after he is born and held up with such distinction. I honestly felt like I
needed to pause the world to let every single soul know you were finally here
you were and still are a really BIG deal. </div>
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I have learned to hold
my memories of you tightly in my heart and I pick and choose when and who I want
to share these sacred times with. But today on your 7<sup>th</sup> birthday I
am not keeping these memories tucked away no not today they are too special just
like you. I am totally ok with the world
knowing that today is bittersweet for us as we remember the most joyous day
when you were born while missing you beyond measure. I am totally ok with the world knowing that although
we live without your physical self we will never stop loving you and our
connection to your heart has never changed. My mind thinks about you and wonders just as much as I do about Isla and
Callum and my heart will never quite understand or accept that you are gone.
The heart is stubborn and persistent that way and thank God for that! </div>
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I still
hold your blanket and remember how cozy you were while I held you in the middle
of the night when you nursed. I remember before knowing you had SMA your first
and only Thanksgiving at Auntie Catherine’s house and how everyone took turns
taking a million photos with the famous and fabulous Emersyn! I remember our morning walks together talking to you about the birds, trees, sights and sounds around us and your big
brown eyes looking at me like you knew exactly what I was talking about and you
could not have been more fascinated and believe me my sweet girl the feeling
was mutual. </div>
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Today we let ourselves remember and go there because how can
we forget the day you were born. How can we forget the first car ride home and
your first Halloween and your first time waking up where both Daddy and I sat
there in awe of how awesome our baby girl was at 3:00am in the morning. How can
we forget your first bath your first stroller ride around the neighborhood and your
first smile….oh how I miss that smile. Today is your 7<sup>th</sup> birthday
and since we can’t shower you with physical gifts and fun times with your little friends we will shower you with
memories because we need you to know that these precious memories you gave to
us along with the lessons you continue to share with us now are our roots of love
and source of strength. We need you to know that our motivation to try harder
and be better no matter what stems from you and our memories of your
strength and love. </div>
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Happy Birthday to our wise, funny, inspiring and incredible
7 year old little girl we love you more than words can capture and we treasure
our memories as they unravel in all of their beauty today. Emersyn Paige you
are 7 here, there and everywhere and the world is better because you were here.</div>
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We love you to the moon and back and our Home Strength continues
to grow thanks to you. We dedicate<a href="https://www.google.ca/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=do%20you%20remember%20jack%20johnson"> "Do you Remember" </a>by Jack Johnson to you because
we will never forget you and the day you were born.</div>
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Happy Birthday Angel Love,</div>
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Mommy, Daddy, Isla and Callum xoxoxoxoxoxo</div>
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Emersyn Paigehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16460601651616350527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4357160383223573772.post-13267667567684539192015-05-06T15:25:00.001-04:002015-05-06T15:57:21.483-04:00Emersyn's Entourage 2015!<div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 16px; padding: 0px;">
Dear Emersyn’s Entourage! </div>
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It’s that time of year again to gather your friends and family and join us for the 2015 Rebecca Run for SMA on Saturday July 4th at Fairy Lake in Newmarket Ontario. The race offers something for everyone: 1km family walk/run/roll, 3km walk/run/roll or a 5km run/walk/roll. All proceeds from the run are donated to Families of SMA Canada. To register for the race please visit <span style="color: blue;">www.rebeccarun.com</span>. All registrations received prior to June 6th will receive a specialized technical t-shirt with Emersyn's team name on it. Register early to avoid disappointment as spots fill up FAST! When registering please indicate that you are a member of Emersyn’s Entourage and email melanieklomp@cogeco.ca to let us know so we can add your name to our team on Emersyn’s blog at <span style="color: blue;">www.emersynpaige.blogspot.com.</span> If you are unable to join us this but would like to sponsor one of our members or raise funds for our team please visit the following lin<span style="background-color: white;">k<span style="color: blue;"> http://www.rebeccarun.com/fundraising.html</span></span> and please know how much we appreciate every dollar raised!</div>
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Features for this year’s event include: </div>
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-Our 2015 Race Honouree is the amazing Asha Buliung. Click here<span style="color: cyan;"> </span><span style="color: blue;">http://www.rebeccarun.com/asha.html</span> to read more about this precious little girl and her amazing family.</div>
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-The Rebecca Run is proud to be celebrating its 14th anniversary in 2015 – what an accomplishment!</div>
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-“Market Place” will be there again this year where exciting items will be sold with a portion of the proceeds going towards SMA research.</div>
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-Complimentary Barbeque, healthy snacks and refreshments before and after the race will be provided for all participants thanks to our generous event sponsors.</div>
<div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 16px; padding: 0px;">
-Check out the Rebecca Run Prize Incentive Fund Raising Rewards! </div>
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SMA is the number one genetic killer of children under the age of two. 1 in 6,000 babies is born with SMA and 1 in 35 people carry this killer gene. SMA is just as common as Cystic Fibrosis but has a fraction of the awareness. We NEED to change this! The Rebecca Run is a fantastic way to raise money and awareness for a CURE for SMA. Since the launch of the Rebecca Run 14 years ago an extraordinary $2 million dollars has been raised for Families of SMA Canada – AMAZING!! </div>
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Jason and I would like to thank everyone for your ongoing love and support in helping us honour Emersyn and raise money towards a CURE. It has been 6 years since Emersyn’s life was taken at the age of 7 months old from SMA Type 1. For us it feels like yesterday we miss her so much she will always be our first precious child and we try hard to honour her especially when these important fundraising events for SMA can help change so many lives of children and families living with this terrible disease. Emersyn’s sister Isla and baby brother Callum will only know their big sister through pictures and the stories we share about her. It is through events like the Rebecca Run where they will be able to continue to honour their big sisters life and spirit while learning about the importance of helping others in our Community.</div>
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We miss and love Emersyn in a way that words could never express and we will forever carry the pain of losing her to this tragic disease. In honour of Emersyn’s 6th Angel Date and in honour of all of our SMA Angels and Warriors we need your help to raise enough money to CURE SMA. </div>
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Wishing you love, remembrance and hope and please know that one person’s support can make a HUGE difference! Sincerely,Melanie, Jason, Isla, Callum and our special Angel Emersyn</div>
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<i> “But love does not die. The script of her life is written in my heart and it still glistens in the soul of my memory" </i></div>
Emersyn Paigehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16460601651616350527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4357160383223573772.post-76204110626114992282015-04-07T15:46:00.000-04:002015-04-07T15:55:35.152-04:00Six Years <div class="MsoNormal">
Here we are again my dearest Emersyn. April 7<sup>th</sup>
only the year is 2015. I hate this date just as much as I treasure it since it
was on this day in 2009 that your physical body was with me for the last time.
I remember it like it was yesterday a moment suspended in time. I remember
feeling the energy of the doctors and nurses shift once we knew you were
passing. It became about being in the moment, being present, being mindful and
truly just being with you. I have never been more effortlessly present or
mindful in my life than when you were passing in our arms for those 22 hours.
It has been 6 years since you have passed and I am no closer to reconciling or
accepting that you my beautiful daughter, my precious first born child is
gone. Thankfully reconciliation or
acceptance are not goals of mine as a bereaved mother and never will be. I
carry you all of you, in my heart and soul everyday and I never want to let you
go you are me I am your Mother and I will hold my grief as fiercely as I will
hold my love for you until the day that I die. You are
sacred, my grief is as sacred as it is painful and I learn from my grief…. I
learn from you every day.</div>
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I am far from perfect,
in fact I was shattered into a million little shards of myself when you died
and I never did rebuild myself. I could barely recognize myself or the person I
once was. I could not rebuild a picture of my life without you so instead I
continue to make a mosaic of the broken pieces while adding new pieces some
good, some bad but all sacred because they are gifts and lessons that you have
given me. A mosaic is broken but it is also beautiful. I was inspired by this
thought at our Christmas memorial at the Coping Center after a beautiful talk
about the mosaic of grief was given. I always said from the day that you were
born that you were my teacher more than I could ever be yours. I can honestly
say that the things you have taught me about myself and the world continue to
open my mind and my heart every day and help me to create this new mosaic of
myself.</div>
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I have learned that carrying pain in our hearts is just the
same if not greater than carrying a physical pain around all day so self care
and being kind to ourselves is so important in healing. I have learned that
when grief or any ailments we may suffer from go unnoticed, ignored or pushed
down those ailments take on a life of their own and can start to take over. I
have learned that self reflection and growth are truly an ongoing journey and
it is so important to not only forgive others but forgive ourselves. I have
learned that trauma, anxiety and sadness are just as valid and powerful as
laughter, joy and happiness. I have learned that grief needs to be cared for
and nurtured and no stone should go unturned in looking for comfort, answers,
peace or whatever it may be that brings me healing in my journey since losing
you. I have learned humility in the
presence of pain and to always walk towards suffering never run from it. I have
learned that I feel more full when I help others than I ever could if I avoid
their suffering. I have learned that children are our greatest teachers, they
live in the moment, they are mindful and they never apologize for expressing
their grief or their joy they are the real deal. I have learned that nature is
vital to mental health and well being. I have learned that a simple hug, laugh
or message from a friend on a bad day can turn the whole day around. I have
learned that we do not have a language for grief the way we do for love so
bereaved people have to walk alone sometimes. I have learned that human resilience
and hope is the most amazing force on earth. I have learned that when I need
you Emersyn you send me the most extraordinary signs to reaffirm my faith and
let me know you are near. I have learned that I can still be both a grieving
mom and enjoy my amazing living children and all of the gifts that they give me
every day. You came as my teacher Emersyn and gave the most selfless gift of
all so others could learn to do better to be better despite all of our human “flaws”.
You picked me as your Mom and losing you was the hardest thing I have had to do
but I need you to know that I continually try to share your lessons that you
send my way. I may not always do a great job of sharing them and many times my
own grief trips me up and slows me down but I am compelled to try in honour of
you.</div>
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There is a quote that I love about grief and if you gave it
to me 6 years ago I would have been crushed by it but now I appreciate it. “We
only grieve where we love. So grief is an aspect of love. Let it be as it is
and be humbled by it. Allow grief to be a great teacher”. Grief is the other
side of love it is an aspect of love so how deeply we love is how deeply we
grieve. I am far from perfect I have so many flaws I can be a real pain in the
butt actually! But I know this …..I love
deeply, loyally and forever so if you know me I mean really know me like you do
Emersyn then you know both the depths of my love and my grief. They are
infinite and I treasure both, I carry both I honour both. As tremendous a load
as grief is to carry it is mine and I will let it flow as I do my love for you.</div>
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My dear Emersyn I
hope that your lessons continue to reach others and inspire us all to do better
to be better and to never lose hope for whatever suffering we may be struggling
with. You taught me that joy can happen alongside pain and I will never forget
the love, laughter and compassion that you brought out in everyone that carried
us through and continues to reach us when we need it most. Emersyn may you
always continue to bring out the good in everyone and remind us that a mosaic
is just as beautiful if not more than a perfect picture.</div>
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Emersyn Paigehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16460601651616350527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4357160383223573772.post-80749585981791414802014-09-16T08:46:00.000-04:002014-09-16T08:46:00.726-04:00Happy 6th Birthday Emersyn!As I sit here on the day before your 6th birthday I remember it like it was yesterday. The summer was quickly ending and the fall was gracefully starting to unfold with the cooler nights, sunny days and a sense of new beginnings in the air with back to school and the leaves slowly changing. Without a doubt this used to be my favourite time of year and I could not wait to meet our new baby and mark the new season with her birth! This was my first baby and looking back I was more prepared for Emersyn’s birth than Isla or Callum’s since my whole pregnancy was focused on being as physically and emotionally healthy and ready for baby as I possibly could! Jay and I had just finished our natural labour and delivery classes that we loved going to every week and I felt so ready to meet our first child. I was so different then. I had the ability to quiet the doubts or fears in my mind about labor, being a first time Mom or any worries that every parent has about their baby while pregnant with simple positive thoughts. I had innoncence and hope. I remember this time in my life as though it were perfect which I know is not really possible but to me looking back that is how it feels. <br />
<br />
I remember driving to meet Jason for lunch the day before my due date and feeling the perfect combination of excitement and anticipation about my upcoming labor and tearing up at just the thought of meeting our baby girl. I remember the songs playing on the radio as I was driving to meet Jay and wondering if it was a bad idea to be driving around when I could go into labour at any moment! Again my inner voice was much calmer then and I decided that I was overreacting and that I needed to get out of the house and distract myself for a while. Jay and I had lunch that day; I was pretty emotional and uncomfortable to say the least since I was exactly 40 weeks along! I remember driving home that afternoon feeling tired and thinking that first babies always come late so I would most likely go “overdue” and the likelihood of me actually having Emersyn on her “due date” was so slim. Sure enough later that afternoon my waters broke at home, contractions started immediately and luckily Jay was already on his way home early. I remember a moment in my labor with Emersyn when Jay was downstairs with our midwife before we left for the hospital when I was in our bedroom holding my belly and talking to Emersyn. I remember feeling so excited to be meeting her but I was also so sad that she would not be a part of me physically anymore. I told her that I would miss feeling like it was just her and I and that I was scared to let her go. I look back now and wonder if somehow I knew intrinsically that she would not be here for very long and that if only I could have kept her safe in my womb. I remember feeling like I wasn’t ready to share her with the world just yet. <br />
<br />
The next day almost 24 hours later around 2:30 in the afternoon on Tuesday September 16th 2008 on her due date Emersyn Paige was born and I felt like the luckiest person alive. I felt so full of a new kind of love that was totally overwhelming and completely amazing! She was perfect. I felt so powerful like my body had accomplished what its destiny was meant to do and I was full in my heart and soul. I could have died happily at that moment but I wanted more of my baby girl. I wanted to see her grow and laugh and show the world how awesome she was! I wanted everything for her and I had a sense of fierce protectiveness for this beautiful little soul in my arms. As a first time Mom I was new to breastfeeding but as soon as my midwife put Emersyn in my arms she latched right away and I remember feeling so utterly amazed that I could nurse my child. Suddenly I had a new found confidence that this little girl brought out in me on the day she was born. I remember my Mom walking into the hospital room to meet her for the first time and I was so proud to show her off nursing and cuddling in my arms already like it was just meant to be. And she was, this little brown eyed dark haired beauty was mine and she was meant to be and I was bursting with so much love and pride I could have honestly floated away! <br />
<br />
Today 6 years later on Tuesday September 16th 2014 here we are on your birthday, your day, our day, the day we met and fell in love. The day we waited for and dreamed about, the day you my sweet girl Emersyn were born. The day you made me a Mother and you my daughter. I replay your Birth Day in my mind everyday and I remember every single detail and I still feel those same emotions of wanting to burst with so much love. I have to stop myself from trying to negotiate and beg God to just rewind time and give you back to me. I have to stop myself from letting my imagination run wild with birthday party scenarios and what you would have looked like as a big Grade 1 girl now. You probably don’t want me to sit and torture myself with the ‘what if’s’ Emersyn but you are my child my heart doesn’t know how to not do these things. <br />
<br />
I want to say that for your birthday I am healed, I want to say that for your Birthday I am not crying anymore, I want to say that for your Birthday we smile and feel no pain but I can’t you are far too precious of a person. It’s been 5 years without you, 5 long years of learning to live all over again and find good things in a world where you no longer exist physically. For some reason this past year has been extra hard for me in grief. I think because I am back doing day to day things again and not getting much sleep so my energy levels leave me very little time for my grief work and that always catches up with me. Your beautiful sister Isla and larger than life brother Callum that you sent to us keep me going and give me so many reasons to live, love and hope for the future. Callum has your determined and strong spirit and Isla is starting to really understand that you are her sister and she initiates talking about you and asks lots of questions. She is excited for your birthday and the cupcakes we will have and the flowers and balloons we will bring you! Isla says it’s your birthday Emersyn but we can’t see you because you are an Angel in the sky playing with the dragons in the clouds. Oh how I wish she is right and you are playing in the clouds and celebrating your day while feeling our love. Your signs keep me going and I no longer worry about whether or not it is really you and that is a gift in my grief from you. I have come to know your messages and I am now confident in interpreting them and feeling certain that they will continue to come at just the right times. Newly bereaved parents contacted us today and as my heart completely breaks for them I also know it is no coincidence that they reached out to us during such a significant time…… I know that it is you my amazing girl who sent them our way. <br />
<br />
There is a saying that I like about grief being the price we pay for love. I want you to know Emersyn that walking <br />
this path of grief is how I cope with loving you so much and not being able to have you physically here. I have all of this love that I am still bursting with for you and I have to let it out somehow which is so very hard to do when you are not physically here. I want you to know that as soon as summer begins to change to fall I see you. As soon as the summer nights start to get cool and the back to school buzz begins all I can think of is you. As soon as I see a little brown haired girl skipping along with her backpack from the school bus all I can picture is you laughing and running towards me to tell me all about your day. As soon as the Monarch Butterflies start appearing in the most extraordinary of places I see your smile. As soon as September arrives I feel like a part of me is still waiting for you to be born while the other part of me is still trying to understand that you are gone. And every September in a place somewhere between heaven and earth between reality and dreams you and I exist together on your sacred day where we embrace once again in perfect harmony just like we did 6 years ago today for the first time when you made me a Mom. <br />
<br />
Happy Birthday my darling Angel Emersyn…… not a day, hour or minute goes by when your heart does not beat with mine. <br />
<br />
I love you further than forever and always,<br />
Mommy, Daddy, Isla, Callum and the whole Family who love you so much xoxoxoxoxoxo<br />
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Emersyn Paigehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16460601651616350527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4357160383223573772.post-964203528964696282014-07-05T21:09:00.003-04:002014-07-05T21:16:15.712-04:002014 Rebecca Run for SMA Emersyn's Entourage -- Thank-you!!Dear Family and Friends of Emersyn's Entourage! <br />
<br />
Today was a HUGE success thanks to all of you!! We would like to send out a huge thank-you to everyone for coming out today to the Rebecca Run for SMA!! It was awesome to see everyone and an honour to have our amazing family and friends come together once again for Emersyn and everyone affected by SMA. Thank-you for spending your Saturday morning with us and/or sponsoring us in helping to make this years run another extraordinary success!! $106,000 was raised today towards a CURE for SMA and that is amazing!!!! A great day with a Community of extraordinary people doing life changing work is a magical day my Angel girl would be very proud of!<br />
<br />
We hope everyone enjoys the rest of your weekend and has a wonderful summer! We appreciate your ongoing love and support more than you know.<br />
<br />
Hugs, love and many thanks to all for your hard work!!<br />
<br />
Sincerely, <br />
The Klomp Family<br />
<br />
"Together We Will find a CURE for SMA"<br />
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Emersyn Paigehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16460601651616350527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4357160383223573772.post-5080457873338992112014-04-07T09:01:00.005-04:002014-04-07T11:58:04.490-04:00Five Years Ago Today ~ FootprintsI can remember five years ago today like it was yesterday. It was like my husband Jason and I had left our physical bodies to travel to the world in between heaven and earth for 22 hours as we “carried” our beautiful daughter Emersyn over to the other side. 22 hours….the same length of time as my labour with her. We were not screaming or panicking or even pleading at this point with God to make her stay like we had been in the days and months after her terminal diagnosis where I remember curling up into a ball on the floor in her room beside her crib crying, screaming and begging for this to be a bad dream. We were lucid unlike the days after her diagnosis when my mom and sister literally had to carry me with my feet limp and dragging on the ground to go back to our pediatrician’s office to talk in depth with him about Emersyn’s SMA diagnosis. We did not fall to our knees and collapse at that moment with grief like we did on the kitchen floor when we returned home from the hospital after she died. For that moment it was like Emersyn took our hands and guided us to what was important and sacred and above all of the noise and distractions of this physical world. She overrode fear, doubt and medicine as she zoned in on us as her parents, her advocates and her voice. Something bigger than us, bigger than SMA bigger than breathing machines and her collapsed lung was grounding us as every parent’s worse nightmare was coming true. Emersyn knew it was her time to go and like the brilliant, surreal, savvy and captivating little girl she was although only 7 months old she made sure we as her parents received her message, tuned into her energy and were present enough during those moments to walk with her to heaven and honour her wishes. <br />
<br />
I look back now and cannot imagine doing this journey again without frantically screaming at the doctors in the PICU at McMaster to save her, help her, do whatever it takes to keep her here regardless of the outcome - JUST KEEP HER ALIVE DAMNIT!! But I know in my heart and in my gut that we didn’t do that not because we “gave up” or because we were in shock and all of the other cliché’s that big movie or TV series dramatize when they portray parents losing their children, but because our intense love and instincts to meet Emersyn’s needs were so extraordinarily heightened during those moments. It was like Emersyn although just a baby had taken the wheel and we were her passengers. If you were there the day she passed away then you know this sacred feeling and sense that I am talking about. It was palpable.<br />
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Every time I wonder if we should have intubated Emersyn despite her constant coding and collapsed lungs and rejection of her g-tube feeds, every time Jason and I need to talk about all of the trauma and the choices we as her parents had to make in her final days which as bereaved parents comes with the territory unfortunately, ongoing lengthy exhausting heart wrenching discussions, every time I start to feel like I have no idea how we held our daughter as she passed away in our arms for 22 hours without dying ourselves, every time I look back and think about Jason her super hero dad carrying her out of McMaster Children’s Hospital after she passed wrapped in her sheepie looking like a beautiful princess as our dear friend Nick drove our car to Oakview Funeral Home while we held her so quietly and calmly in the back seat, every time I think about how I had to eventually leave her body at the funeral home before coming back the next morning to sit with her and hold her again, every time I think about Jason and I being driven around our cemetery to choose a grave in the children’s Garden of Angels to lay her precious body to rest, when I kissed her beautiful face for the last time, every time I honestly, truly, genuinely have no idea how we were able to do any of those things. What parent could possibly get their brain around doing any of those things?? What parent could possibly function at all while losing their child?! Were we completely and totally disengaged and certifiably insane? <br />
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The only conclusion I have is this----no amount of shock or denial could prevent Jason or myself at that time from totally and completely losing it which would have been 100% undeniably understandable and beyond justified and believe me those feelings inevitably came crashing in shortly after losing our beautiful daughter. The only one explanation that could possibly make any sense is Emersyn and her powerful ability to reach us on a level that guided us through this moment in time. On this day five years ago we cried, we ached, we held our daughter peacefully and without interference from the “outside world” as she passed away. Emersyn made her mark and chose her time and made sure we heard her and honoured her chosen time of passing as painstakingly tragic as this is for me to acknowledge out loud I will acknowledge it today for her. I will acknowledge this sacred truth because I know she would want me to. <br />
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Although we were in the PICU it didn’t feel that way. All of the machines disappeared, the doctors and nurses faded away and we had the horribly painful yet beautiful and sacred honour to walk with Emersyn to heaven as Brahms lullaby played and our loving family and friends waited outside the room. We will have no greater purpose or calling in this life than to carry our child to heaven. We honored that moment for her and with her and the shattered pieces, unwavering pain, fear, guilt, anguish, loneliness, sadness, doubt, trauma and the knock you down again and again and again relentless grief of being a bereaved parent would come later when we returned from our journey of walking Emersyn to heaven. As parents we all put our children first and ourselves second even if that means spending the rest of our lives trying to cope and function without our little girl. <br />
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Five years ago today for those 22 hours on April 7th 2009 Jason and I who are not religious had the most tragic and spiritual experience any parent could imagine. We walked our little girl to heaven and as she passed we felt her soul filter through us and that is as close to God as we will ever come. Every time I feel immense anger and rage at God for taking my precious little girl I remember Emersyn is as close to God as we will ever come in this life. She is our Angel who watches over her sister Isla and baby brother Callum and if you have met these two gems you too will be certain that they were handpicked and heaven sent by their big sis. Jason and I who are not religious, but spiritual people relate to one quote that sums up the only answer we have when we think about how we could have possibly walked this journey with Emersyn five years ago today on April 7th. My dear Emersyn we did not walk with you to heaven, you carried us and we are forever grateful for you our courageous and amazing little girl. We miss you we love and we thank-you for being YOU and leaving your Footprints behind in our hearts forever. <br />
<i><b><br />~ Footprints ~ </b></i><i><br />One night I dreamed I was walking<br />along the beach with the Lord.<br />Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky. <br />In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.<br />Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, <br />other times there were one set of footprints.<br />This bothered me because I noticed that<br />during the low periods of my life, when I was<br />suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, <br />I could see only one set of footprints.<br />So I said to the Lord, "You promised me<br />Lord, that if I followed you, <br />you would walk with me always.<br />But I have noticed that during the most trying periods<br />of my life there have only been<br />one set of footprints in the sand.<br />Why, when I needed you most, <br />you have not been there for me?" <br />The Lord replied,<br />"The times when you have<br />seen only one set of footprints, <br />is when I carried you."</i>Emersyn Paigehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16460601651616350527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4357160383223573772.post-16487126280080196902014-03-31T14:57:00.001-04:002014-03-31T21:00:20.286-04:002014 Rebecca Run for SMA - Emersyn's Entourage!Dear Emersyn’s Entourage!<br />
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It’s that time of year again to gather your friends and family and join us for the 2014 Rebecca Run for SMA on Saturday July 5th at Fairy Lake in Newmarket Ontario The race offers something for everyone: 1km family walk/run/roll, 3km walk/run/roll or a 5km run/walk/roll. All proceeds from the run are donated to Families of SMA Canada. The early bird race fee prior to April 30th is $40 per person. To register for the race please visit www.rebeccarun.com. <br />
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All registrations received prior to June 6th will receive a specialized technical t-shirt with our team name on it. Register early to avoid disappointment as spots fill up FAST! When registering please indicate that you are a member of Emersyn’s Entourage and email melanieklomp@cogeco.ca to let us know so we can add your name to our team on Emersyn’s blog. If you are unable to join Emersyn’s team on July 5th please consider sponsoring us by clicking <a href="http://www.runningroom.com/dashboard/donations/findathlete.php?guest=1">here</a><br />
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Features for this year’s event include:<br />
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• Our 2014 Race Honouree is amazing SMA Warrior Arran Edward Deegan, a beautiful little boy who was diagnosed with Spinal Muscular Atrophy Type 2. Click<a href="http://www.rebeccarun.com/arran.html"> here</a> to read more about this precious little boy and his amazing family.<br />
• The Rebecca Run is proud to be celebrating its 13th anniversary in 2014 – what an accomplishment! <br />
• “Market Place” will be there again this year where exciting items will be sold with a portion of the proceeds going towards SMA research<br />
• Complimentary Barbeque, healthy snacks and refreshments before and after the race will be provided for all participants thanks to our generous event sponsors <br />
• Check out the Rebecca Run Prize Incentive Fund Raising Rewards! <br />
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SMA is the number one genetic killer of children under the age of two. 1 in 6,000 babies is born with SMA and 1 in 35 people carry this killer gene. SMA is just as common as Cystic Fibrosis but has a fraction of the awareness. We NEED to change this! The Rebecca Run is a fantastic way to raise money and awareness for a CURE for SMA. Since the launch of the Rebecca Run 13 years ago an extraordinary $2 million dollars has been raised for Families of SMA Canada – AMAZING!!<br />
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Jason and I would like to thank everyone for your ongoing love and support in helping us honour Emersyn and raise money towards a CURE. It will be 5 years on April 7th, 2014 since Emersyn’s life was taken at the age of 7 months old from SMA Type 1. For us it feels like yesterday. Emersyn’s sister Isla and baby brother Callum will only know their big sister through pictures and the stories we share about her. It is through events like the Rebecca Run where they will be able to continue to honour their big sisters life and spirit.<br />
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We miss and love Emersyn in a way that words could never express and we will forever carry the pain of losing her to this tragic disease. In honour of Emersyn’s 5th Angel Date and in honour of all of our SMA Angels and Warriors we need your help to raise enough money to CURE SMA. <br />
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Wishing you love, remembrance and hope and please know that one person’s support can make a HUGE difference!<br />
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Sincerely,<br />
Melanie, Jason, Isla, Callum and our Angel Emersyn<br />
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~ “But love does not die. The script of her life is written in my heart and it still glistens in the soul of my memory” ~Emersyn Paigehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16460601651616350527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4357160383223573772.post-3625622688744592742013-09-16T09:39:00.000-04:002013-09-16T09:39:13.072-04:00Emersyn's 5th Birthday!<b>Dearest Emersyn, <br />
Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Emersyn happy birthday to you! Wow….. my sweet girl I can’t believe that five years ago today you came into this world and gave us the happiest day we had ever known. After an intense but amazing 22 hour labour you finally arrived and your daddy and I could not believe how lucky we were to be your mom and dad. It was like there were no other babies born on September 16th except for you. I remember thinking how perfect you looked when I first saw you with your olive skin like daddy, dark hair and big brown eyes. I remember the nurses and midwives commenting on how beautiful, robust and calm you were. They called you the little “Buddha”. We were only in the hospital for one night and it was so quiet and kind of empty like it truly was meant to be your day. You slept soundly that night and so did I in between waking up to admire you just one more time. I felt so empowered to have given birth to you and finally hold you. Your daddy and I felt such tremendous pride to show you off to our family and friends who were so thrilled to meet you! When we drove home I remember feeling very vulnerable as I sat in my new spot with you in the back seat and said to daddy “if anything ever happened to Emersyn I don’t know what I would do”. Never did I think our time on earth with you would be so limited, never did I think you would have SMA and never did I think we would be celebrating your birthdays without you. Today you are five regardless of time and space, earth or heaven. Today is your birthday wherever you are my darling daughter and we shall honour and celebrate you as the gift that you are and always will be. <br />
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You have aged with us Emersyn over the past four years since you passed away. Today you are five in our minds. I get glimpses in my mind of my big five year old girl and you look a lot like daddy still but with certain looks and features of me and your beautiful sister Isla. You now have brown curly hair, dark brown eyes, olive skin, your subtle little chin dimple and you are tall with a sweet smile. You are still so wise beyond your years always making sure everyone around you is ok. You are shy at first but once you get to know someone you are right at home. I see you being the calm and steady big sister to Isla even to a point where we might have to tell you to take a break from following the rules and have fun! I imagine you excelling in your Senior Kindergarten class already making friends, trying to please the teacher and I can also see you being hard on yourself too which breaks my heart even in my imagination. We would work on that though and talk about how no one is perfect and perfect is no fun anyway! I know Isla would look up to you so much and idolize you the way little sisters do. I bet you would be so excited about having a baby brother in 7 weeks and I know you would have been sharing your excitement with your little friends at school. This year turning the big “5” you probably would have wanted to help us plan your party - “mommy I want these cupcakes not those ones and can I wear this dress or these shoes can I pleeeeeease”?! This year we would really notice that you weren’t our “baby” anymore and that you really were turning into our little/big girl. What we would give to see you blow out those five candles on your cake……what we would give to have just five minutes with you on your 5th birthday. What we would give to change the fact that we can only send you birthday messages through prayers, balloons, flowers and butterflies at your grave. What we would give to have a good old fashioned crazy, messy, loud, cake on the face chaotic 5th birthday bash for you and with you my sweet girl. <br />
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I have been trying to think of what “gift” to give you this year seeing as you are not such a baby anymore. We have our traditions now on your birthday which is a relief because our anxiety about this day is a little better when we have a plan. We always decorate your spot with flowers and balloons in the morning, spend some quiet time together as a family in the afternoon and in the evening we have butterfly cupcakes with the whole family and admire your scrapbook and talk about the very important, unique and wonderful YOU. It is a hard and extra emotional day Emersyn which makes me sad for you to see but the memories of the sacred day that you were born are so special and really help to carry us through. <br />
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So after a lot of thought and soul searching I feel the greatest gift we can give you today on your birthday is faith. The definition of faith is believing in something that you cannot see or touch, it is not based on proof but on what we instinctively know and trust to be true. When we first lost you it was hard to have faith as we were so engulfed in our acute grief and pain that it was too overpowering to really feel your signs. We were so caught up in constantly searching for you and that is ok as that was what we needed at that time but it was extremely hard to have faith. I know that we are still early on in our grief journey but I can sense that I am starting to get to know the spiritual you much better now and the tell tale signs that you are with us. You constantly send us the right people when we need them the most and your butterflies, dragonflies and songs that come on the radio at just the right time are perfect. Yesterday when I was grocery shopping I stopped in my tracks as I heard a dad calling out to his daughter Emersyn in the clothing isle which was the first time I had heard another little girl being called Emersyn….as painful as that was for me to hear I know that was you saying hi to me when I needed it most, when I was trying to be strong and just make it through the day. <br />
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When others are suffering because of you we are able to feel true compassion and empathy and hopefully provide some comfort to them. It is in these connections that I feel you the most. I also know you sent us Isla and now your baby brother because the story of how these two came to be is just too miraculous to be anything but your guiding hand. So today Emersyn Paige Klomp who weighed 8lbs 7oz, 22 inches long and was born on Tuesday, September 16th 2008 at 2:00pm you are five years old in heaven, on earth and in all the spaces in between. We wish you a day filled with the hugs and love of your Angel friends and the love of your family and friends here on earth. We hope you are having a crazy fun, cake eating, cloud jumping and rainbow chasing day with your Angel friends as you feel our love and kisses being sent your way. We know this is a very special birthday as you are now a “big girl” and we want you to have this big girl gift. Over the past four years I know you have watched us in our grief question if you are with us but today on your special day we want you to know that we have faith. We are heartbroken that we can no longer see you, hold you or celebrate your birthdays with you but we instinctively know, trust and feel that you are with us….. and that my beautiful first born baby girl is a connection that can never be broken. That is faith and the only thing that keeps us all going. <br />
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Happy 5th Birthday to the only beautiful, funny, wise and sacred little girl named Emersyn who was born five years ago on September 16th to the proudest parents in the world. <br />
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I love you on earth, in heaven and in all the spaces in between more than words could ever express. Love you always and forever, Mommy, Daddy, Isla and soon to be Baby Brother xoxoxoxoxo </b>Emersyn Paigehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16460601651616350527noreply@blogger.com4