Sweet 16 on September 16th ~ Emersyn

Dear Emersyn,

Recently you told me through a very wise and spiritual woman that I don't need to go anywhere or do anything special to talk to you. You told me that I can talk to you anytime and I don't have to wait for a special moment or event to find you. You said that when I am driving in the car you are always sitting right beside me. I burst into tears when I heard this and I said "is this a burden for you always having to ride with me" and you said no Mom I am honoured. Well that just about sums you up right there doesn't it? Maybe that is why in the early years after you passed away I drove everywhere with no destination in mind, just the need to move and search for any sign or symbol of your spirit. It was an anxious journey then and now it feels heavy, sacred, sorrowful, purposeful and with a sense of knowing that you are with me.

When I am talking to you I feel like I am asking you for something which as a parent feels so backwards. I ask you for strength, guidance, perspective or to look out for your brother and sister, Granny and Grandpa and all of the family and friends that love you so much. I am deeply sorry for not talking to you more. I think instead of talking I have been connecting with you in the career I do as a school leader, Mother, friend, daughter, wife, sister and woman that I am at 47 years old. Talking hurts as it emphasizes the silence of grief, the love fountain overflowing with nothing optically to catch it. When I channel this tidal wave of raw emotion through action it helps me carry this sea of love that continues to pour over all these years later. My passion for Human Rights and true inclusion is welled from my love for you that swells around in my chest and needs a place to go and something or someone to impact in your honour. You are my fuel otherwise I would drown in my own sea of love for you if I had nowhere to navigate it on this earth. I can tell when special people recognize you in the work or in the passion that I share at times. Not everyone can see this but that is what makes those who do stand out like a beacon of light in a storm to me. I know you know these beautiful souls Emersyn because it is the same people that make me feel closer to you when I am with them. As a lifelong learner of all things I need you to know that I hear you. I need to pause and breathe and that is also talking to you. I will talk to you through slowness and breath and more writing. I promise I will do this more as you told me it is ok to rest sometimes Mom! As always you are teaching me to evolve and grow and I will never stop searching for stones to learn from you.

I am humbled at how time has suddenly given me a 13 and almost 11 year old and I stop and my breath is taken away today that you would have been 16 years old. The oldest out of my three children my first daughter Emersyn was born perfectly on September 16th 2008 at 2:00pm. Sweet 16 they say but for you I change that to strong, sassy, sincere and spectacular 16 because sweet was never a priority for any of my girls but strong with a fierce heart who advocates for what matters most absolutely. I want to share this with you out loud on your blog as you used this sign and symbol as an analogy for what I think best describes our Mother Daughter bond and mission between heaven and earth. This is for you Emersyn the magnificent, brave, leader, disruptor and lifter of others on your 16th birthday.

"The majestic angel winged horse came and swept you away to a place that existed beyond the veil

So quickly he came I could not see his face but you climbed on his back and took the reigns to fly worlds away towards the heavens

You returned in short fleeting moments each time soaring faster, stronger, determined a true heroine on a mission lifting others up leaving gems of hope in your wake

It was in these moments of finding you we learned that you did not need saving you needed us to rise to fly and soar to make a giant dent of love and change in this beautiful world on the other side of Pegasus"

Love Mom

P.S. I am far more honoured to be driving beside you 💜

~ Happy 16th Birthday Emersyn Paige Klomp you are always deeply loved xoxoxoxo

Shores of Grief ~ 15 Years

15 years ago on April 7th we said goodbye to you beautiful Emersyn. Swimming in the ocean with the kids this week I felt closer to you. In the moments when the breeze hit softly I felt closer  to you. 15 years ago you died and time is no factor in loving and missing you. Losing a child is a different kind of loss. I still have an innate need to parent you by sharing you and your life with others. We are the keepers of your legacy and that is both an honour and the deepest sorrow my heart will ever carry.

Every family holiday we look like a family of four yet we feel like a family of five. As I watched Callum swimming in the ocean at ten years old I wondered just how you missed all of this. Isla the tween growing up so fast yet when she fell asleep on the bus ride to the resort from the airport brought me right back to when you were all babies. Although you have missed all of these years on earth we feel you have been here with us experiencing the nuanced moments that mean the most. It’s not the dinners at the beach but the way the kids hold my hand on our walk back from the beach that I feel most grateful for and connected to you. Cal will take my hand and proudly walk beside me. Isla will subtly lay her head on my shoulder and give me a side eye and laugh which means she still loves me. I weave words of then and now as that is how I’ve coped with and carried your death. Integrating you into my career, my friends, my gratitude for my family and simple things like writing your name in the sand on vacation. Every time we write your name in the sand I feel some peace. It is temporary much like the letters that wash away with the tide and carry your name back to the ocean. So much like the tides of grief that ebb and flow but are a deep part of who I am.

I love that the kids will just pick up a shell or a stick and start writing Emersyn so thoughtfully in the sand. When I need a walk by myself on the beach Dad knows why and when he does the same I get it. The weeks leading up to your angel date are typically harder than the actual day for us. This is the first yeat we have gone away during this time and nature has helped to bring us some comfort in the midst of  sorrow and feelings of angst. People will say I don’t know how you got through losing your child. I could never do that. The truth is you don’t get through it, you carry your child’s legacy everywhere and share it with those you feel a connection with. It is a deep soul exhaustion of love when you carry your child in your heart only. When people see you in me that is my greatest accomplishment just like the joy I feel when others see the magic in Isla and Callum.

I’m thankful for the beach this past week for helping me to carry the weight of grief. Thankful for the rhythm of the waves that soothed my soul, the sand that softened our strides, the beautiful monarch butterfly picture that we noticed at the perfect time, the schools of tropical fish, little curious birds, warm breezes that felt like hugs and much needed moments of laughter and love with the family. Life is not perfect, it is not meant to be. Most of life is hard but the love and hope we feel are gifts that keep us going. You found us like you always do, centered our perspective once again and made sure Mother Nature took care of us as the tides of grief came to shore. We love you Emersyn and miss you within the deepest parts of our hearts and we see you in all things in nature and in the kindness and compassion of others.

I love being your Mom xoxoxoxo