Here we are again my dearest Emersyn. April 7th
only the year is 2015. I hate this date just as much as I treasure it since it
was on this day in 2009 that your physical body was with me for the last time.
I remember it like it was yesterday a moment suspended in time. I remember
feeling the energy of the doctors and nurses shift once we knew you were
passing. It became about being in the moment, being present, being mindful and
truly just being with you. I have never been more effortlessly present or
mindful in my life than when you were passing in our arms for those 22 hours.
It has been 6 years since you have passed and I am no closer to reconciling or
accepting that you my beautiful daughter, my precious first born child is
gone. Thankfully reconciliation or
acceptance are not goals of mine as a bereaved mother and never will be. I
carry you all of you, in my heart and soul everyday and I never want to let you
go you are me I am your Mother and I will hold my grief as fiercely as I will
hold my love for you until the day that I die. You are
sacred, my grief is as sacred as it is painful and I learn from my grief…. I
learn from you every day.
I am far from perfect,
in fact I was shattered into a million little shards of myself when you died
and I never did rebuild myself. I could barely recognize myself or the person I
once was. I could not rebuild a picture of my life without you so instead I
continue to make a mosaic of the broken pieces while adding new pieces some
good, some bad but all sacred because they are gifts and lessons that you have
given me. A mosaic is broken but it is also beautiful. I was inspired by this
thought at our Christmas memorial at the Coping Center after a beautiful talk
about the mosaic of grief was given. I always said from the day that you were
born that you were my teacher more than I could ever be yours. I can honestly
say that the things you have taught me about myself and the world continue to
open my mind and my heart every day and help me to create this new mosaic of
myself.
I have learned that carrying pain in our hearts is just the
same if not greater than carrying a physical pain around all day so self care
and being kind to ourselves is so important in healing. I have learned that
when grief or any ailments we may suffer from go unnoticed, ignored or pushed
down those ailments take on a life of their own and can start to take over. I
have learned that self reflection and growth are truly an ongoing journey and
it is so important to not only forgive others but forgive ourselves. I have
learned that trauma, anxiety and sadness are just as valid and powerful as
laughter, joy and happiness. I have learned that grief needs to be cared for
and nurtured and no stone should go unturned in looking for comfort, answers,
peace or whatever it may be that brings me healing in my journey since losing
you. I have learned humility in the
presence of pain and to always walk towards suffering never run from it. I have
learned that I feel more full when I help others than I ever could if I avoid
their suffering. I have learned that children are our greatest teachers, they
live in the moment, they are mindful and they never apologize for expressing
their grief or their joy they are the real deal. I have learned that nature is
vital to mental health and well being. I have learned that a simple hug, laugh
or message from a friend on a bad day can turn the whole day around. I have
learned that we do not have a language for grief the way we do for love so
bereaved people have to walk alone sometimes. I have learned that human resilience
and hope is the most amazing force on earth. I have learned that when I need
you Emersyn you send me the most extraordinary signs to reaffirm my faith and
let me know you are near. I have learned that I can still be both a grieving
mom and enjoy my amazing living children and all of the gifts that they give me
every day. You came as my teacher Emersyn and gave the most selfless gift of
all so others could learn to do better to be better despite all of our human “flaws”.
You picked me as your Mom and losing you was the hardest thing I have had to do
but I need you to know that I continually try to share your lessons that you
send my way. I may not always do a great job of sharing them and many times my
own grief trips me up and slows me down but I am compelled to try in honour of
you.
There is a quote that I love about grief and if you gave it
to me 6 years ago I would have been crushed by it but now I appreciate it. “We
only grieve where we love. So grief is an aspect of love. Let it be as it is
and be humbled by it. Allow grief to be a great teacher”. Grief is the other
side of love it is an aspect of love so how deeply we love is how deeply we
grieve. I am far from perfect I have so many flaws I can be a real pain in the
butt actually! But I know this …..I love
deeply, loyally and forever so if you know me I mean really know me like you do
Emersyn then you know both the depths of my love and my grief. They are
infinite and I treasure both, I carry both I honour both. As tremendous a load
as grief is to carry it is mine and I will let it flow as I do my love for you.
My dear Emersyn I
hope that your lessons continue to reach others and inspire us all to do better
to be better and to never lose hope for whatever suffering we may be struggling
with. You taught me that joy can happen alongside pain and I will never forget
the love, laughter and compassion that you brought out in everyone that carried
us through and continues to reach us when we need it most. Emersyn may you
always continue to bring out the good in everyone and remind us that a mosaic
is just as beautiful if not more than a perfect picture.
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