It is the night before your 10th birthday Emersyn and I want to write to you now because we will be heading to a special place of yours tomorrow with your sister and brother. We are planning on driving up to Gravenhurst where your Dad and I went for a weekend away when we were in our early years of grief. This was at a time when Isla and Callum were not with us yet and I was not sure if we would ever have more children so we were at a crossroads in our grief. I wasn't up for going anywhere but we decided to go for a weekend away in Muskoka to be closer to nature and you. The plan was we would just feel as low as we felt and just be. Having a plan even it we didn’t follow through with it gave us some comfort.
The first morning away we went for a hike and just as I stopped to sit by the lake your Dad walked to the top of a path and he was shocked at what he saw. He asked me to come and look at what appeared to be one of the most soulful signs from you that we have ever experienced. At the bottom of the path were breathtaking signs that read “path of memories, we have a dream our children remembered forever” which led us to a Children's Memorial Gazebo on lake Muskoka for bereaved parents. We had no idea this existed and what were the odds that we randomly stumbled upon such a haven at such a low point in our journey? Coincidence was not a possibility it was divinely you and we were in awe, tears, laughter and total disbelief that this was happening! We sat stunned and read the beautiful plaques dedicated to the dear children who have passed and we cried.
Bright blue and red dragonflies had been whizzing around us all day and gave us a visit as we sat down in the memorial. We thanked you for finding us and lifting the veil between heaven and earth just when we needed it most. We called your Granny and Grandpa to tell them where we were and what we had found. We then placed a special request to dedicate a plaque to you and we spoke with the amazing bereaved parents who created this sacred place in honour of their precious child. Your plaque was added to the Children’s Memorial and your Dad and I have been back a few times to visit the place where you truly found us. I wrote a blog here about it for your second birthday as we had to share this sacred experience. We took your sister there when she was a baby but we would like to take both Isla and Callum and show them the place where you found us and gave us hope.
So this is our plan to help us be near you on your birthday. We will go to the beautiful place where the veil was lifted and heaven met earth in that moment in time. I remember trying to convince myself before finding the memorial that I shouldn't need signs to know you are with me.. but I do. I need these moments because I am human and life gets crazy and I need those grounding signs to hold on to you. I need to have moments when our two worlds meet and the noise of life tunes out and I can feel your head in my arms and your heart beating next to mine. The songs on the radio, the messages from friends at just the right time, the children’s memorial that appeared and the fire I feel in my soul to keep going when I have nothing left has to be you. I wonder if you knew in showing us the memorial that not long after that day I would become pregnant with Isla. I also wonder if you knew that just having a plan for tomorrow to visit this special place has helped us cope with the days leading up to your birthday. I also wonder if you knew that a quiet peaceful drive up there also helps us to cope when you chose this spot. I say I wonder but really I know because I am your Mom and you are mine and we know each other better than I know myself.
Ten years ago on this day my water broke at home around 4pm and I called your Dad and I remember feeling both scared and beyond excited to meet you. I remember sitting in the bedroom by myself getting ready to leave for the hospital and thinking that I wanted to hold you but I also wanted to hang on to you in my pregnancy just a little longer. I remember calling my amazing midwives and working through contractions while talking to them on the phone before they arrived. I remember feeling euphoric after your long and beautiful birth and I felt a sense of fullness that I never knew existed. I remember my Mom walking in the hospital room and I was holding you just as proud as a Mama bear. I know every parent feels their baby is the most special and I was no different as I felt you were sent straight from heaven just for us.Ten years ago on September 16th 2008 our special little girl Emersyn Paige Klomp was born and so were her Mom and Dad. We drove you home and I sat with your car seat in the back and said to your Dad if anything ever happened to you I don’t know what I would do. That was before I knew my time with you would be short. I remember the day you were born like it was yesterday and the pride and pure love I feel for you spills out everyday.
Our love that was lit has continued to grow in all of its power. And I remember every birthday since then and the countless ways you have reached us to give us those tangible moments of connection when we need you most. I have so much love for you and I need places to put it and plans to help carry it even if we are too sad to go a plan and a place feels good to have. So today we will go to the place you found us at our lowest and share it with Isla and Callum and we know you will find us there. We know this because you are ours and we are yours for ten years now and forever more our sweet Emersyn Paige. We will see you tomorrow on your 10th birthday in the Gazebo by the water....
You are ours and we are yours and this song is for you because we know you send it to us when we need you most ~ I'm Yours
Happy 10th Birthday my Sweet Angel we love you,