I remember driving to meet Jason for lunch the day before my due date and feeling the perfect combination of excitement and anticipation about my upcoming labor and tearing up at just the thought of meeting our baby girl. I remember the songs playing on the radio as I was driving to meet Jay and wondering if it was a bad idea to be driving around when I could go into labour at any moment! Again my inner voice was much calmer then and I decided that I was overreacting and that I needed to get out of the house and distract myself for a while. Jay and I had lunch that day; I was pretty emotional and uncomfortable to say the least since I was exactly 40 weeks along! I remember driving home that afternoon feeling tired and thinking that first babies always come late so I would most likely go “overdue” and the likelihood of me actually having Emersyn on her “due date” was so slim. Sure enough later that afternoon my waters broke at home, contractions started immediately and luckily Jay was already on his way home early. I remember a moment in my labor with Emersyn when Jay was downstairs with our midwife before we left for the hospital when I was in our bedroom holding my belly and talking to Emersyn. I remember feeling so excited to be meeting her but I was also so sad that she would not be a part of me physically anymore. I told her that I would miss feeling like it was just her and I and that I was scared to let her go. I look back now and wonder if somehow I knew intrinsically that she would not be here for very long and that if only I could have kept her safe in my womb. I remember feeling like I wasn’t ready to share her with the world just yet.
The next day almost 24 hours later around 2:30 in the afternoon on Tuesday September 16th 2008 on her due date Emersyn Paige was born and I felt like the luckiest person alive. I felt so full of a new kind of love that was totally overwhelming and completely amazing! She was perfect. I felt so powerful like my body had accomplished what its destiny was meant to do and I was full in my heart and soul. I could have died happily at that moment but I wanted more of my baby girl. I wanted to see her grow and laugh and show the world how awesome she was! I wanted everything for her and I had a sense of fierce protectiveness for this beautiful little soul in my arms. As a first time Mom I was new to breastfeeding but as soon as my midwife put Emersyn in my arms she latched right away and I remember feeling so utterly amazed that I could nurse my child. Suddenly I had a new found confidence that this little girl brought out in me on the day she was born. I remember my Mom walking into the hospital room to meet her for the first time and I was so proud to show her off nursing and cuddling in my arms already like it was just meant to be. And she was, this little brown eyed dark haired beauty was mine and she was meant to be and I was bursting with so much love and pride I could have honestly floated away!
Today 6 years later on Tuesday September 16th 2014 here we are on your birthday, your day, our day, the day we met and fell in love. The day we waited for and dreamed about, the day you my sweet girl Emersyn were born. The day you made me a Mother and you my daughter. I replay your Birth Day in my mind everyday and I remember every single detail and I still feel those same emotions of wanting to burst with so much love. I have to stop myself from trying to negotiate and beg God to just rewind time and give you back to me. I have to stop myself from letting my imagination run wild with birthday party scenarios and what you would have looked like as a big Grade 1 girl now. You probably don’t want me to sit and torture myself with the ‘what if’s’ Emersyn but you are my child my heart doesn’t know how to not do these things.
I want to say that for your birthday I am healed, I want to say that for your Birthday I am not crying anymore, I want to say that for your Birthday we smile and feel no pain but I can’t you are far too precious of a person. It’s been 5 years without you, 5 long years of learning to live all over again and find good things in a world where you no longer exist physically. For some reason this past year has been extra hard for me in grief. I think because I am back doing day to day things again and not getting much sleep so my energy levels leave me very little time for my grief work and that always catches up with me. Your beautiful sister Isla and larger than life brother Callum that you sent to us keep me going and give me so many reasons to live, love and hope for the future. Callum has your determined and strong spirit and Isla is starting to really understand that you are her sister and she initiates talking about you and asks lots of questions. She is excited for your birthday and the cupcakes we will have and the flowers and balloons we will bring you! Isla says it’s your birthday Emersyn but we can’t see you because you are an Angel in the sky playing with the dragons in the clouds. Oh how I wish she is right and you are playing in the clouds and celebrating your day while feeling our love. Your signs keep me going and I no longer worry about whether or not it is really you and that is a gift in my grief from you. I have come to know your messages and I am now confident in interpreting them and feeling certain that they will continue to come at just the right times. Newly bereaved parents contacted us today and as my heart completely breaks for them I also know it is no coincidence that they reached out to us during such a significant time…… I know that it is you my amazing girl who sent them our way.
There is a saying that I like about grief being the price we pay for love. I want you to know Emersyn that walking
this path of grief is how I cope with loving you so much and not being able to have you physically here. I have all of this love that I am still bursting with for you and I have to let it out somehow which is so very hard to do when you are not physically here. I want you to know that as soon as summer begins to change to fall I see you. As soon as the summer nights start to get cool and the back to school buzz begins all I can think of is you. As soon as I see a little brown haired girl skipping along with her backpack from the school bus all I can picture is you laughing and running towards me to tell me all about your day. As soon as the Monarch Butterflies start appearing in the most extraordinary of places I see your smile. As soon as September arrives I feel like a part of me is still waiting for you to be born while the other part of me is still trying to understand that you are gone. And every September in a place somewhere between heaven and earth between reality and dreams you and I exist together on your sacred day where we embrace once again in perfect harmony just like we did 6 years ago today for the first time when you made me a Mom.
Happy Birthday my darling Angel Emersyn…… not a day, hour or minute goes by when your heart does not beat with mine.
I love you further than forever and always,
Mommy, Daddy, Isla, Callum and the whole Family who love you so much xoxoxoxoxoxo