7 years ago today on April 7th I lost you and 7 years later it is still so hard for me to say that out loud. As your Mother I can’t seem to say this fact enough times to make it “normal” or less painful because you are my heart and the driving force behind everything I do. And that is how I cope with losing you by finding a path and paving it with you.
You always nudge me to take the road less traveled and to push myself to try harder even when I think I have gone as far as I can go you show me resilience, perspective and undying Hope. The truth is I long to talk about you as normally and as often as I talk about Isla and Callum so today on your Angel Day as heart breaking as this day is it also feels like I can really talk about you and how you continue to teach me. I can’t share the small day to day joys of your tales at school or something funny you did this morning because you are no longer physically here. But I can share your rainbows, butterflies and unexplainable moments of connection that without a doubt are you reaching out and hugging me when I need it most saying “keep going Mom you got this you CAN do this”. So here is my update Emersyn on how I am doing with your gifts and what I am spinning my pain into for you and I hope you approve. I hope that these were your intentions sweet girl and I hope anyone reading this feels your wisdom and can take your good and continue to spread it like wildfire.
I have learned………
to live with a heavy weight on my chest and an aching heart while also feeling joy and love at the same time. I am your Mother and part of parenting you from the beyond means that I need to feel connected to you anyway I can whether it be through heartache or sheer pride that you are mine and I am yours no matter where you are. I am learning to balance the scales of regular days and joys that your amazing sister and brother bring me but I also must make time to feel you and so I am learning the counter balance of these things.
Because of you I don’t see barriers anymore I see challenges. As a teacher when I walk into my classroom each day I look at your picture, I feel you with me and ask you to guide me as an Educator and a role model to my students. I remember all of the fun we had when you were alive and think about how the wonder of a child can carry any heart away to the most beautiful of places and diminish the anxiety and fear that a disease like SMA can cause. I remember being at McMaster hospital in your final week with my two incredible sisters and singing Bob Marley’s Three Little Birds while you lay smiling and moving your chubby little arms back and forth in approval of your serenade. The hospital and the machines and the weight of what was happening lifted because when you smiled and laughed nothing else mattered.
I have learned that sometimes we can’t fix things in the way that we may want to so we must change our perspective and create happiness and celebrate joys in a different way. You have taught me true empathy and real compassion by always trying to put myself in the other person’s shoes. You are teaching me the importance of true self care and this is a hard one for me but I am realizing how important this is. Taking time for fun, my health, my family and my grief are all important so I am trying to make them all a priority. You have taught me courage. Every time I think I can’t do something I feel you nudging me to try it even if it scares me. I think back to those final days of your life and to your funeral and surviving each day since and I think if I can do this I can do anything and that is because of you my greatest teacher my sweet child.
I have learned that our love transcends this physical world and because of this I know I will see you again and what a day that will be. So I hope these are some of the lessons that you have wanted me to learn so far and I promise I will continue to try and take your gifts and do something good with them. I will watch for your signs and wait for the lessons. And thanks for the dose of Hope this morning just when we needed it most. On our way to the cemetery on this cold and rainy morning while driving Daddy spotted a rainbow that lasted only a few minutes. On this grey sad day that big bold rainbow stood out and out shined all of the grey which is such an Emersyn thing to do! I have become an interpreter of your signs so I am hoping I interpret this correctly when I say no matter how hard something may seem or how bad we may feel there is always love and hope and they can all co-exist in this big beautiful messy world and in our human hearts and there is still raw beauty in that.
We miss you beyond words and we love you beyond worlds and although our hearts are so heavy with grief today we see your rainbow and we carry on with love, hope and so much pride that we are blessed to be your parents.
Then, now and forever we love you sweet girl and cherish your gifts,
Mommy, Daddy, Isla, Callum and all of your extraordinary family and friend’s xoxoxoxoxo