I am a day late in writing my birthday letter to you my sweet beautiful girl. I wasn’t feeling very well yesterday and my energy was focused on just getting through the day and letting myself feel what I needed to. I see myself being more compassionate with myself now in grief and letting it be ok if I can’t do certain things exactly when I think they should happen. I know you understand that and in fact I know it is you who has been trying to teach me that for a while now. I hear you beautiful girl I understand that loving you and missing you happens every day and sometimes on the extra tough days like your birthday it is ok for me to rest and recoup and give myself a break from the pressure of doing it all at once. It does not mean I miss you less or love you less it means I am able to trust in our love and connection and the power of that. It means I am finding more gems of healing when I allow myself to feel my grief.
Faith is a powerful thing and it has taken time to grow again within me and it is nothing I have done it has evolved on its own on my journey through honoring grief. Grief is good, grief is sacred and grief is the other side of deep love they are two powerful emotions and they are drawn from the same well of my soul. Grief feels a lot like love but with an ache so strong that it can stop me in my tracks and take my breath away. I allowed myself to be stopped in my tracks yesterday and to not be “ok” I allowed my tears as they truly are sacred healing gems. I allowed myself to indulge in every detail of your beautiful birth and in the 7 sacred months we were blessed to have with you. I even allowed myself to go there and imagine the gorgeous soulful 8 year girl you would have been and what we would have actually done for your big day. I gave myself permission to go there because in doing so I return stronger.
What an honour it is to tell your story, what a privilege it is to share your magic and what a heartache it is you can’t be here with me to tell it in your own words. All any mother wants is to know her children are safe, happy and loved and I know you are all of those things but still my heart cries out for you even when I think I have figured out an agreement with my grief I realize that my Mother’s heart is primitive and I will forever search in the sunrises, sunsets and stars at night looking for glimpses of you.
Yesterday when I woke up on the morning of your 8th birthday I said to myself I can’t wait to see how you will find me today. I can’t wait to see what sure sign you will send me. I am at a point in my journey where I can confidently say you will find me when I need you most. And as I opened up my email last night before going to bed our photographer from 2 years ago who did our family photos with us holding your picture sent me a few emails of our family picture that she had taken as she wanted to edit it to make the colour better. I haven’t spoken with her in months and without knowing the significance of September 16th she sent our family pictures of us holding your beautiful photo and said she just thought she would send these today since she found them a few weeks ago and wanted us to have them. Her timing was perfect and little did she know she was guided by the hand of my brilliant 8 year old little girl.
You find me when I need you most sweet Emersyn and you remind me that there is nothing more powerful than the love we share it is pure and eternal. Heaven and earth are merely a veil between us.
Your Auntie Catherine wrote you the most beautiful card and on the front one of my favourite quotes from the Little Prince ~
“ In one of the stars I shall be living, in one of them I shall be laughing, and so it will be as if all the stars were laughing when you look at the sky at night”~
I will search for you as long as I live Emersyn and as I am searching I will spread your love and light. So if you see me smiling at a butterfly or looking intently at the night sky you know I am searching for you,
Happy 8th Birthday to the brightest Angel I know we love you always,
Mommy, Daddy, Isla and Callum xoxoxoxoxoxo