Dear Emersyn,
Recently you told me through a very wise and spiritual woman that I don't need to go anywhere or do anything special to talk to you. You told me that I can talk to you anytime and I don't have to wait for a special moment or event to find you. You said that when I am driving in the car you are always sitting right beside me. I burst into tears when I heard this and I said "is this a burden for you always having to ride with me" and you said no Mom I am honoured. Well that just about sums you up right there doesn't it? Maybe that is why in the early years after you passed away I drove everywhere with no destination in mind, just the need to move and search for any sign or symbol of your spirit. It was an anxious journey then and now it feels heavy, sacred, sorrowful, purposeful and with a sense of knowing that you are with me.
When I am talking to you I feel like I am asking you for something which as a parent feels so backwards. I ask you for strength, guidance, perspective or to look out for your brother and sister, Granny and Grandpa and all of the family and friends that love you so much. I am deeply sorry for not talking to you more. I think instead of talking I have been connecting with you in the career I do as a school leader, Mother, friend, daughter, wife, sister and woman that I am at 47 years old. Talking hurts as it emphasizes the silence of grief, the love fountain overflowing with nothing optically to catch it. When I channel this tidal wave of raw emotion through action it helps me carry this sea of love that continues to pour over all these years later. My passion for Human Rights and true inclusion is welled from my love for you that swells around in my chest and needs a place to go and something or someone to impact in your honour. You are my fuel otherwise I would drown in my own sea of love for you if I had nowhere to navigate it on this earth. I can tell when special people recognize you in the work or in the passion that I share at times. Not everyone can see this but that is what makes those who do stand out like a beacon of light in a storm to me. I know you know these beautiful souls Emersyn because it is the same people that make me feel closer to you when I am with them. As a lifelong learner of all things I need you to know that I hear you. I need to pause and breathe and that is also talking to you. I will talk to you through slowness and breath and more writing. I promise I will do this more as you told me it is ok to rest sometimes Mom! As always you are teaching me to evolve and grow and I will never stop searching for stones to learn from you.
I am humbled at how time has suddenly given me a 13 and almost 11 year old and I stop and my breath is taken away today that you would have been 16 years old. The oldest out of my three children my first daughter Emersyn was born perfectly on September 16th 2008 at 2:00pm. Sweet 16 they say but for you I change that to strong, sassy, sincere and spectacular 16 because sweet was never a priority for any of my girls but strong with a fierce heart who advocates for what matters most absolutely. I want to share this with you out loud on your blog as you used this sign and symbol as an analogy for what I think best describes our Mother Daughter bond and mission between heaven and earth. This is for you Emersyn the magnificent, brave, leader, disruptor and lifter of others on your 16th birthday.
"The majestic angel winged horse came and swept you away to a place that existed beyond the veil
So quickly he came I could not see his face but you climbed on his back and took the reigns to fly worlds away towards the heavens
You returned in short fleeting moments each time soaring faster, stronger, determined a true heroine on a mission lifting others up leaving gems of hope in your wake
It was in these moments of finding you we learned that you did not need saving you needed us to rise to fly and soar to make a giant dent of love and change in this beautiful world on the other side of Pegasus"
Love Mom
P.S. I am far more honoured to be driving beside you 💜
~ Happy 16th Birthday Emersyn Paige Klomp you are always deeply loved xoxoxoxo
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