Our beautiful daughter Emersyn Paige passed away from SMA Type 1 on April 7th,2009 at the age of 7 months old. This blog is dedicated to her life, legacy and spirit and our journey as a family through grief.

Saturday, September 17, 2016

Happy 8th Birthday Emersyn

Dear Emersyn,

I am a day late in writing my birthday letter to you my sweet beautiful girl. I wasn’t feeling very well yesterday and my energy was focused on just getting through the day and letting myself feel what I needed to. I see myself being more compassionate with myself now in grief and letting it be ok if I can’t do certain things exactly when I think they should happen. I know you understand that and in fact I know it is you who has been trying to teach me that for a while now. I hear you beautiful girl I understand that loving you and missing you happens every day and sometimes on the extra tough days like your birthday it is ok for me to rest and recoup and give myself a break from the pressure of doing it all at once. It does not mean I miss you less or love you less it means I am able to trust in our love and connection and the power of that. It means I am finding more gems of healing when I allow myself to feel my grief.

Faith is a powerful thing and it has taken time to grow again within me and it is nothing I have done it has evolved on its own on my journey through honoring grief. Grief is good, grief is sacred and grief is the other side of deep love they are two powerful emotions and they are drawn from the same well of my soul. Grief feels a lot like love but with an ache so strong that it can stop me in my tracks and take my breath away. I allowed myself to be stopped in my tracks yesterday and to not be “ok” I allowed my tears as they truly are sacred healing gems. I allowed myself to indulge in every detail of your beautiful birth and in the 7 sacred months we were blessed to have with you. I even allowed myself to go there and imagine the gorgeous soulful 8 year girl you would have been and what we would have actually done for your big day. I gave myself permission to go there because in doing so I return stronger.

What an honour it is to tell your story, what a privilege it is to share your magic and what a heartache it is you can’t be here with me to tell it in your own words. All any mother wants is to know her children are safe, happy and loved and I know you are all of those things but still my heart cries out for you even when I think I have figured out an agreement with my grief I realize that my Mother’s heart is primitive and I will forever search in the sunrises, sunsets and stars at night looking for glimpses of you.

Yesterday when I woke up on the morning of your 8th birthday I said to myself I can’t wait to see how you will find me today. I can’t wait to see what sure sign you will send me. I am at a point in my journey where I can confidently say you will find me when I need you most. And as I opened up my email last night before going to bed our photographer from 2 years ago who did our family photos with us holding your picture sent me a few emails of our family picture that she had taken as she wanted to edit it to make the colour better. I haven’t spoken with her in months and without knowing the significance of September 16th she sent our family pictures of us holding your beautiful photo and said she just thought she would send these today since she found them a few weeks ago and wanted us to have them. Her timing was perfect and little did she know she was guided by the hand of my brilliant 8 year old little girl. 

You find me when I need you most sweet Emersyn and you remind me that there is nothing more powerful than the love we share it is pure and eternal. Heaven and earth are merely a veil between us.

Your Auntie Catherine wrote you the most beautiful card and on the front one of my favourite quotes from the Little Prince ~

“ In one of the stars I shall be living, in one of them I shall be laughing, and so it will be as if all the stars were laughing when you look at the sky at night”~

I will search for you as long as I live Emersyn and as I am searching I will spread your love and light. So if you see me smiling at a butterfly or looking intently at the night sky you know I am searching for you,

Happy 8th Birthday to the brightest Angel I know we love you always,

Mommy, Daddy, Isla and Callum xoxoxoxoxoxo

Saturday, July 9, 2016

2016 Rebecca Run for SMA - Emersyn's Entourage

Amazing morning at the 2016 Rebecca Run for SMA! So much love felt from friends and family who came out to support Emersyn's Entourage today both in person and online through sponsors and messages! As always the presence of our SMA Angels and Warriors was felt by all and the momentum of positive energy and community strength was palpable. Over $115,000 was raised today for SMA and that is because of each and every person taking action and coming together to raise money towards a CURE which is truly on the horizon. Today was a good day for SMA. Thank you to all who supported this very special event it means more than you know!

Sincerely with so much love, remembrance and most of all HOPE,
The Klomp Family xoxoxo

Thursday, April 7, 2016

7 Years ~ Rainbows and Wildfire

Dearest Emersyn,

7 years ago today on April 7th I lost you and 7 years later it is still so hard for me to say that out loud. As your Mother I can’t seem to say this fact enough times to make it “normal” or less painful because you are my heart and the driving force behind everything I do. And that is how I cope with losing you by finding a path and paving it with you.

You always nudge me to take the road less traveled and to push myself to try harder even when I think I have gone as far as I can go you show me resilience, perspective and undying Hope. The truth is I long to talk about you as normally and as often as I talk about Isla and Callum so today on your Angel  Day as heart breaking as this day is it also feels like I can really talk about you and how you continue to teach me. I can’t share the small day to day joys of your tales at school or something funny you did this morning because you are no longer physically here. But I can share your rainbows, butterflies and unexplainable moments of connection that without a doubt are you reaching out and hugging me when I need it most saying “keep going Mom you got this you CAN do this”. So here is my update Emersyn on how I am doing with your gifts and what I am spinning my pain into for you and I hope you approve.  I hope that these were your intentions sweet girl and I hope anyone reading this feels your wisdom and can take your good and continue to spread it like wildfire.

I have learned………

to live with a heavy weight on my chest and an aching heart while also feeling joy and love at the same time.  I am your Mother and part of parenting you from the beyond means that I need to feel connected to you anyway I can whether it be through heartache or sheer pride that you are mine and I am yours no matter where you are. I am learning to balance the scales of regular days and joys that your amazing sister and brother bring me but I also must make time to feel you and so I am learning the counter balance of these things.

Because of you I don’t see barriers anymore I see challenges. As a teacher when I walk into my classroom each day I look at your picture, I feel you with me and ask you to guide me as an Educator and a role model to my students.  I remember all of the fun we had when you were alive and think about how the wonder of a child can carry any heart away to the most beautiful of places and diminish the anxiety and fear that a disease like SMA can cause.  I remember being at McMaster hospital in your final week with my two incredible sisters and singing Bob Marley’s Three Little Birds while you lay smiling and moving your chubby little arms back and forth in approval of your serenade. The hospital and the machines and the weight of what was happening lifted because when you smiled and laughed nothing else mattered. 

I have learned that sometimes we can’t fix things in the way that we may want to so we must change our perspective and create happiness and celebrate joys in a different way. You have taught me true empathy and real compassion by always trying to put myself in the other person’s shoes. You are teaching me the importance of true self care and this is a hard one for me but I am realizing how important this is. Taking time for fun, my health, my family and my grief are all important so I am trying to make them all a priority. You have taught me courage. Every time I think I can’t do something I feel you nudging me to try it even if it scares me. I think back to those final days of your life and to your funeral and surviving each day since and I think if I can do this I can do anything and that is because of you my greatest teacher my sweet child.

I have learned that our love transcends this physical world and because of this I know I will see you again and what a day that will be. So I hope these are some of the lessons that you have wanted me to learn so far and I promise I will continue to try and take your gifts and do something good with them. I will watch for your signs and wait for the lessons. And thanks for the dose of Hope this morning just when we needed it most. On our way to the cemetery on this cold and rainy morning while driving Daddy spotted a rainbow that lasted only a few minutes.  On this grey sad day that big bold rainbow stood out and out shined all of the grey which is such an Emersyn thing to do!  I have become an interpreter of your signs so I am hoping I interpret this correctly when I say no matter how hard something may seem or how bad we may feel there is always love and hope and they can all co-exist in this big beautiful messy world and in our human hearts and there is still raw beauty in that.

We miss you beyond words and we love you beyond worlds and although our hearts are so heavy with grief today we see your rainbow and we carry on with love, hope and so much pride that we are blessed to be your parents.

Then, now and forever we love you sweet girl and cherish your gifts,

Mommy, Daddy, Isla, Callum and all of your extraordinary family and friend’s xoxoxoxoxo