Dearest Emersyn,
7 years ago today on April 7th I lost you and 7
years later it is still so hard for me to say that out loud. As your Mother I
can’t seem to say this fact enough times to make it “normal” or less painful because
you are my heart and the driving force behind everything I do. And that is how
I cope with losing you by finding a path and paving it with you.
You always nudge me
to take the road less traveled and to push myself to try harder even when I
think I have gone as far as I can go you show me resilience, perspective and undying
Hope. The truth is I long to talk about you as normally and as often as I talk
about Isla and Callum so today on your Angel
Day as heart breaking as this day is it also feels like I can really talk
about you and how you continue to teach me. I can’t share the small day to day
joys of your tales at school or something funny you did this morning because you
are no longer physically here. But I can share your rainbows, butterflies and
unexplainable moments of connection that without a doubt are you reaching out
and hugging me when I need it most saying “keep going Mom you got this you
CAN do this”. So here is my update Emersyn on how I am doing with your gifts
and what I am spinning my pain into for you and I hope you approve. I hope that these were your intentions sweet
girl and I hope anyone reading this feels your wisdom and can take your good
and continue to spread it like wildfire.
I have learned………
to live with a heavy
weight on my chest and an aching heart while also feeling joy and love at the
same time. I am your Mother and part of
parenting you from the beyond means that I need to feel connected to you anyway
I can whether it be through heartache or sheer pride that you are mine and I am
yours no matter where you are. I am learning to balance the scales of regular
days and joys that your amazing sister and brother bring me but I also must
make time to feel you and so I am learning the counter balance of these things.
Because of you I don’t
see barriers anymore I see challenges. As a teacher when I walk into my
classroom each day I look at your picture, I feel you with me and ask you to
guide me as an Educator and a role model to my students. I remember all of the fun we had when you were
alive and think about how the wonder of a child can carry any heart away to the
most beautiful of places and diminish the anxiety and fear that a disease like
SMA can cause. I remember being at McMaster
hospital in your final week with my two incredible sisters and singing Bob
Marley’s Three Little Birds while you lay smiling and moving your chubby little
arms back and forth in approval of your serenade. The hospital and the machines
and the weight of what was happening lifted because when you smiled and laughed
nothing else mattered.
I have learned that sometimes we can’t fix things in the way
that we may want to so we must change our perspective and create happiness and
celebrate joys in a different way. You have taught me true empathy and real
compassion by always trying to put myself in the other person’s shoes. You are
teaching me the importance of true self care and this is a hard one for me but
I am realizing how important this is. Taking time for fun, my health, my family
and my grief are all important so I am trying to make them all a priority. You have
taught me courage. Every time I think I can’t do something I feel you nudging
me to try it even if it scares me. I think back to those final days of your
life and to your funeral and surviving each day since and I think if I can do
this I can do anything and that is because of you my greatest teacher my sweet
child.
I have learned that our love transcends this physical world
and because of this I know I will see you again and what a day that will be. So
I hope these are some of the lessons that you have wanted me to learn so far
and I promise I will continue to try and take your gifts and do something good
with them. I will watch for your signs and wait for the lessons. And thanks for
the dose of Hope this morning just when we needed it most. On our way to the cemetery
on this cold and rainy morning while driving Daddy spotted a rainbow that
lasted only a few minutes. On this grey sad day that big bold rainbow stood out and out shined all of the grey
which is such an Emersyn thing to do! I
have become an interpreter of your signs so I am hoping I interpret this correctly
when I say no matter how hard something may seem or how bad we may feel there
is always love and hope and they can all co-exist in this big beautiful messy world
and in our human hearts and there is still raw beauty in that.
We miss you beyond words and we love you beyond worlds and
although our hearts are so heavy with grief today we see your rainbow and we
carry on with love, hope and so much pride that we are blessed to be your
parents.
Then, now and forever we love you sweet girl and cherish your gifts,
Mommy, Daddy, Isla, Callum and all of your extraordinary family and friend’s xoxoxoxoxo
