13 Years

13 years. I actually can’t believe I'm typing that number. 13 years today we have lived without you Emersyn. In the early years it was surviving without you and somehow living slowly returned as we integrated you into everything we are and do. This did not come without feeling guilty the first time we actually laughed, had family photos taken or went on our first family road trip without you. That was and will continue to be hard and depending on what we are doing or the day it still is. When people say “I can’t imagine” losing a child to be honest neither can I. I remember like it was yesterday our family and friends coming into our room in the ICU at McMaster to say good-bye. I remember time standing still and the snow that started falling that April day moments after you passed. I remember the nurses giving us space while bringing us blankets and making sure we felt supported. I still step back and cannot believe that you are physically gone. I am not sure how I have integrated losing you into every aspect of my life but I know that I have. You are the reason I look for the good in people and find hope in situations that seem impossible. Parenting you without being able to talk to you is not easy but I have learned that you are “the right thing to do” voice in my mind that helps guide me.

None of this makes up for losing you or the long and incredible life you should have had here on earth. When I look at how funny, compassionate and unique your brother and sister are I feel a deep sorrow and need to know just how much of a unique soul you would have grown into. As I write this I realize more and more that you were a gift not just to our family but to so many. I know you have helped so many people feel stronger and more resilient in their own struggles. Knowing this does not make your death any easier for us but I know that it honours you and gives you a legacy which means so much to us. 

I am a better person because of you. I have deep grief that I carry with me that I continue to learn to respect and make space for. Grief only happens where there is love so I hold space for this sacred duality. My head knew instantly that your physical self passed as we held you in that moment in time but it has taken time and surrender to mourning you that has allowed my heart to understand. My head knows you passed the day you died but my heart relearns this everyday. There is a saying “the person doing the talking is the person doing the learning”. That is why I write because this is me talking to you and learning to physically live without you. I have learned to not only connect with you through grief but also through the moments in the day that make me stop and think about the right thing to do. Thank-you Emersyn for the signs you send that are undeniably you and for the nudge in the right direction that you send when we need it most. We know you continue to be a source of courage, integrity and hope for so many and feel so lucky to be your parents.

Missing and loving you always,

Mom xoxoxoxoxo