17

 Emersyn is 17 years old today. I remember thinking the same thing on the day she was born and on the day she died - the world needs to stop and honour our beautiful girl. The world has continued at a rapid rate since her passing in 2009 and the cliche of “times flies” is all the more real with each passing birthday, angel date or regular day when the waves and truth of grief show up. When I was at her spot this morning where she was laid to rest, I asked for something out loud that I needed help with. A few minutes later I got in my car to leave the cemetery and the phone rang and my request had come true. There it was - the knowing and trust that she will find me on these days because I am counting on her to lift the veil and almost touch my shoulder so I don’t slide too far down in my grief. I needed that message this morning and in true first child form she found me clear as a bell with her assurance and help. Would I have asked for this help had I not created space for mourning today…..I don’t think it would have found me in the same way. 

Everywhere we look in our new world the pace is fast. In a world of chat GBT and the rapid speed at which we can receive support and answers, I find the art of thoughtfulness and expression has been impacted. I feel that I have permission to talk about Emersyn on her birthday or angel date. I need the openness to talk about her everyday as naturally and unedited as I would my living children. Only another bereaved parent truly understands the depth of this need. It feels like a deep that well overflows in a bereaved parents heart that we try to carry and not spill over until we feel safe to share. We need space to share where others can truly allow us to talk about our kids. That is how we parent our kids who have died, we share not only who they were but what we imagined for them and how we need to honour them. Grief is the other side of love; it must be as talked about and normalized in the same way.

I talk about Emersyn to help others who are struggling. This past summer we had an unexpected loss of Freddie, the beautiful heart horse that Isla was part boarding and deeply connected with. Isla and I were there when he passed unexpectedly and I remember saying to Isla and others there that day, when we lost Emersyn the most sacred thing we could do was be there for her during her passing. This helped Isla as she was able to lean into this during a traumatic event and I saw Emersyn’s wisdom and impact helping in this moment which is what she does best. I was not able to return to the barn for a month as it was really hard to see Isla, Freddie and the other people who loved him go through that terrible loss. I returned this past weekend to watch Isla ride and not one but two gorgeous butterflies swooped and soared over me. This was Emersyn letting us know that Freddie was with her and she was taking good care of him on the other side. I needed that and so did Isla. Isla your resiliency is remarkable.

And now I will speak directly to you Emersyn……I often think - why do really awful things continue to happen to the same people. How much suffering can one human take? I know I will never have answers in this lifetime but I can only imagine it has to do with guiding others. You have taught us to carry the unmeasurable pain of losing a child while also enduring hardships along the journey while reminding us how to love ourselves and each other. You have taught me to speak out using compassion and kindness and always imagine ways to make things better for others or help ease suffering. Life moves fast and you remind me that I don’t have to and I can set the pace and in doing so thoughtfully choose where I pour my heart work. Carrying pain and expressing it wholeheartedly while using that pain to help others heal is the real teaching. 

I hope you and Freddie are flying high knowing you continue to heal others and teach about the importance of slowing down for one another in this fast life. You remind me to pace each day as it is not promised to any of us. On the days sweet Freddie cheered me up as I looked in his knowing eyes I always felt closer to you. I know you are taking care of each other and jumping big on your 17th birthday in heaven. I will never need AI to capture your legacy. I promise to forever speak from my heart and hopefully even help one person carry their grief, hardship or pain a little lighter.

Happy Birthday Emersyn we love and treasure you always,

Mom

P.S. Thanks for the butterfly you sent to Isla this week that landed right on her hand. You pick your moments and we see you perfectly.