12 Years ~ Lemonade

Today marks 12 years since you passed away Emersyn. I contemplated whether I should write on your blog that I have written on for the past 12 years. I talked to your Dad about not writing today and asked - why am I still writing 12 years later? As always he brought things into perspective for me when he said that I should only be writing here if it helps me and possibly even one other person reading this. As he said this I remembered what you have taught me which is the only way through is through.The pathway to healing is in the journey and oftentimes it may feel like we can’t do it but when we continue to try we grow. I really do find great comfort in knowing that you have helped others. So here I am 12 years later writing to you because it honours your legacy while also helping me and hopefully others to find meaning and comfort on this journey. 

What a year this has been reinventing ourselves during our global pandemic. Digging deep we have all found resiliency, sorrow and gratitude all whirled into one as we navigate this ever evolving time in history. It has been a long road and although we are almost nearing the end of the pandemic we are not there yet. On the hardest days when we miss the normalcy of visiting carefree with our loved ones I think of you and remind myself there will be nothing harder than losing you and we will all make it through this. However, making it through does not come without a greater need and awareness for true self care and compassion towards others and ourselves. I have learned that I cannot passively make it through a journey. I have learned if I do not play an active role in navigating and acknowledging where I am it is more challenging. This does not negate the struggle but it does make it lighter. As a bereaved parent I have learned that stepping aside and making space for grief has allowed me to take some time to be mindful, breathe and reflect on how far we have come and remember you. When I hold space for grief I find you there.

Losing a child and experiencing a global pandemic are very different. I do however, find myself turning to some similar coping strategies and also notice the persistence of hope appearing again and again. Gratitude and mindfulness have been two touch stones that you have given us that I continue to turn to. The power of a few deep breaths is so simple yet grounding and powerful.

You nudge us to remember that sometimes instead of doing more we can just “be”. Just be there for a moment and take some deep breaths. Gratitude and hope tend to surface in these moments. I have also noticed that hope is stubborn and will find a way to ignite itself even as a small flicker it lights the journey. I know now that grief is the other side of love and as time has passed my grief for you has become as important and treasured as my love for you. 12 years later I miss you as much as I did the day you passed away and with time even more so.

 “Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give but cannot. All of the unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go” ~ Jamie Anderson. I have all of this love and grief and I continue to find ways ways to share it. As a family we have taken the most sour lemons as they say and tried to create lemonade that by nature will always be bittersweet yet filled with love. So to answer my question  “why am I still writing 12 years later” it is because it helps me to feel connected to you and hopefully helps someone else who may need some comfort along the way. Our lemonade isn’t perfect but it’s perfectly ours and if it helps even one person then it’s worth sharing.

We miss you to the moon and back Emersyn and we feel your absence and your presence daily. You are the hope that continues to ignite within us.

Love,

Mom, Dad, Isla and Callum xoxo

Happy 12th Birthday Emersyn

Happy 12th birthday to you beautiful Emersyn. Time stands still as I remember your birth vividly 12 years ago today. I remember the sheer excitement I felt calling family and friends feeling both exhausted and elated to announce your birth and introduce you to everyone. The soaring confidence I felt after giving birth to my first child was life changing and the empowerment I felt becoming a Mother was incredible. Today is bittersweet remembering your joyful birth while missing you so. Amazing how our relationship has deepened over the years even while being physically apart. I feel that you are older now, not a little girl anymore. I sense your maturity in our connection and I feel your guidance especially now during the pandemic. In your maturity I feel I need to talk to you today about everything that has been happening in the world and how we are trying to develop healthy ways to cope and move forward. 

I have been feeling familiar emotions of acute grief leading up to your birthday and also because of the rapidly changing and uncertain times we are all living in right now. I fall back on the coping skills we developed when you were diagnosed and after you passed away. It is amazing how what really matters takes center stage in times of true hardship. You taught us that caring for ourselves emotionally, spiritually and physically is important always and even more so when we are grieving. We have been trying to live day to day and simplify things. Where is our emotional energy going right now and how are we recharging? Have been some of the questions I have been asking myself lately, especially with Callum and Isla returning to school and Dad and I returning to work. You taught us that stepping back for as long as we need whenever we need to is ok and encourages self reflection, a quietness and growth. When things are hard scaling life back and focusing on what is most important has been a vital coping strategy for us. Interesting how a meal becomes more savoured, a laugh with friends and family feels like a comforting sigh of relief and a hug from Isla and Callum feels like a warm gift from you. Scaling it back and taking in the little things is really us working on being more mindful and present. We need that. 

When you were diagnosed with SMA we instantly began thinking about the ways we could modify life and adapt so you could enjoy everything to the fullest. You loved the car yet had to lay flat to breathe properly so Grandpa helped us to modify your car seat so you could enjoy your nightly car rides. You loved the bath so we modified your bath seat so you could enjoy that special time in the water. Our amazing OT was always modifying toys to make them accessible for you. We found new ways of doing things and we had to let go of things that no longer worked for our new way of living. I am drawing inspiration from you as always as we enter our new back to school and work routines. I know it is ok to mourn and grieve for the life, plans and hopes we all had while at the same time living fully by modifying the way we once did things and discovering completely new experiences and ways of doing things. We do not have to wait for “things to be better” to live fully. Life includes all of the feelings even the really hard and uncomfortable ones. Life is not simply good or bad days it is a blend of authentic human experiences. One essential ingredient to coping has always been hope even a small flicker along with patience and compassion towards ourselves and others goes a long way to healing. There has been a lot of discussion lately about the importance of being adaptable. I fully agree that being adaptable is essential however in order to adapt we must allow ourselves to step back, feel it all and evolve in a natural way. We must take time to truly know ourselves and what we stand for. Humans do this naturally but it is not linear and each one of us will evolve and adapt in our own way at our own pace. 

Just like the caterpillar who becomes the butterfly I know we will get there and the journey in evolving can’t be conjured or rushed. We are adapting throughout the entire process. We will continue to take it one day at a time being mindful, gentle and loving to ourselves and others. Emersyn you continue to be our source of mindfulness and connection to what life is really all about. We know your story and gifts are helping so many people right now and we hope that on your 12th birthday you can feel our love and thanks. We miss you deep in our hearts and we celebrate you and the magical person you are. Even beyond earth you continue to evolve and grow my dear girl and we will continue to do the same. Happy 12th birthday beautiful Emersyn we love you and miss you always!

Love

Mom, Dad, Isla, Callum and all of your family and friends xoxoxo