Exactly one year ago today Emersyn went in for her g-tube surgery. Handing our smiling and happy baby over for a feeding tube when she was only 5 months old just about killed us. She was losing her swallow quickly so we had to make that gut wrenching choice or run the risk of her choking to death when she was nursing. It's funny how your mind sets a mental clock of things that were and things that might have been. As I was driving home from work the other day I just kept thinking that I should be picking up Emersyn from daycare and bringing her home to play with me before Daddy gets home.
I became overwhelmed with my grief as I realized that I was driving home to an empty house that should have been filled with my 17 month old daughters voice saying "hi mama"! I will never forget having to email our future daycare provider when we found out that Emersyn had SMA and explain to her that we would not need Emersyn's spot for the following year in daycare because she was dying. I don't think I can even come close to describing what it feels like to have my daughter taken from me. The anxiety and despair that it creates on a daily basis must be unimaginable for those who have not gone through this.