Emersyn's 5th Birthday!

Dearest Emersyn,
Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Emersyn happy birthday to you! Wow….. my sweet girl I can’t believe that five years ago today you came into this world and gave us the happiest day we had ever known. After an intense but amazing 22 hour labour you finally arrived and your daddy and I could not believe how lucky we were to be your mom and dad. It was like there were no other babies born on September 16th except for you. I remember thinking how perfect you looked when I first saw you with your olive skin like daddy, dark hair and big brown eyes. I remember the nurses and midwives commenting on how beautiful, robust and calm you were. They called you the little “Buddha”. We were only in the hospital for one night and it was so quiet and kind of empty like it truly was meant to be your day. You slept soundly that night and so did I in between waking up to admire you just one more time. I felt so empowered to have given birth to you and finally hold you. Your daddy and I felt such tremendous pride to show you off to our family and friends who were so thrilled to meet you! When we drove home I remember feeling very vulnerable as I sat in my new spot with you in the back seat and said to daddy “if anything ever happened to Emersyn I don’t know what I would do”. Never did I think our time on earth with you would be so limited, never did I think you would have SMA and never did I think we would be celebrating your birthdays without you. Today you are five regardless of time and space, earth or heaven. Today is your birthday wherever you are my darling daughter and we shall honour and celebrate you as the gift that you are and always will be.

You have aged with us Emersyn over the past four years since you passed away. Today you are five in our minds. I get glimpses in my mind of my big five year old girl and you look a lot like daddy still but with certain looks and features of me and your beautiful sister Isla. You now have brown curly hair, dark brown eyes, olive skin, your subtle little chin dimple and you are tall with a sweet smile. You are still so wise beyond your years always making sure everyone around you is ok. You are shy at first but once you get to know someone you are right at home. I see you being the calm and steady big sister to Isla even to a point where we might have to tell you to take a break from following the rules and have fun! I imagine you excelling in your Senior Kindergarten class already making friends, trying to please the teacher and I can also see you being hard on yourself too which breaks my heart even in my imagination. We would work on that though and talk about how no one is perfect and perfect is no fun anyway! I know Isla would look up to you so much and idolize you the way little sisters do. I bet you would be so excited about having a baby brother in 7 weeks and I know you would have been sharing your excitement with your little friends at school. This year turning the big “5” you probably would have wanted to help us plan your party - “mommy I want these cupcakes not those ones and can I wear this dress or these shoes can I pleeeeeease”?! This year we would really notice that you weren’t our “baby” anymore and that you really were turning into our little/big girl. What we would give to see you blow out those five candles on your cake……what we would give to have just five minutes with you on your 5th birthday. What we would give to change the fact that we can only send you birthday messages through prayers, balloons, flowers and butterflies at your grave. What we would give to have a good old fashioned crazy, messy, loud, cake on the face chaotic 5th birthday bash for you and with you my sweet girl.

I have been trying to think of what “gift” to give you this year seeing as you are not such a baby anymore. We have our traditions now on your birthday which is a relief because our anxiety about this day is a little better when we have a plan. We always decorate your spot with flowers and balloons in the morning, spend some quiet time together as a family in the afternoon and in the evening we have butterfly cupcakes with the whole family and admire your scrapbook and talk about the very important, unique and wonderful YOU. It is a hard and extra emotional day Emersyn which makes me sad for you to see but the memories of the sacred day that you were born are so special and really help to carry us through.

So after a lot of thought and soul searching I feel the greatest gift we can give you today on your birthday is faith. The definition of faith is believing in something that you cannot see or touch, it is not based on proof but on what we instinctively know and trust to be true. When we first lost you it was hard to have faith as we were so engulfed in our acute grief and pain that it was too overpowering to really feel your signs. We were so caught up in constantly searching for you and that is ok as that was what we needed at that time but it was extremely hard to have faith. I know that we are still early on in our grief journey but I can sense that I am starting to get to know the spiritual you much better now and the tell tale signs that you are with us. You constantly send us the right people when we need them the most and your butterflies, dragonflies and songs that come on the radio at just the right time are perfect. Yesterday when I was grocery shopping I stopped in my tracks as I heard a dad calling out to his daughter Emersyn in the clothing isle which was the first time I had heard another little girl being called Emersyn….as painful as that was for me to hear I know that was you saying hi to me when I needed it most, when I was trying to be strong and just make it through the day.

When others are suffering because of you we are able to feel true compassion and empathy and hopefully provide some comfort to them. It is in these connections that I feel you the most. I also know you sent us Isla and now your baby brother because the story of how these two came to be is just too miraculous to be anything but your guiding hand. So today Emersyn Paige Klomp who weighed 8lbs 7oz, 22 inches long and was born on Tuesday, September 16th 2008 at 2:00pm you are five years old in heaven, on earth and in all the spaces in between. We wish you a day filled with the hugs and love of your Angel friends and the love of your family and friends here on earth. We hope you are having a crazy fun, cake eating, cloud jumping and rainbow chasing day with your Angel friends as you feel our love and kisses being sent your way. We know this is a very special birthday as you are now a “big girl” and we want you to have this big girl gift. Over the past four years I know you have watched us in our grief question if you are with us but today on your special day we want you to know that we have faith. We are heartbroken that we can no longer see you, hold you or celebrate your birthdays with you but we instinctively know, trust and feel that you are with us….. and that my beautiful first born baby girl is a connection that can never be broken. That is faith and the only thing that keeps us all going.

Happy 5th Birthday to the only beautiful, funny, wise and sacred little girl named Emersyn who was born five years ago on September 16th to the proudest parents in the world.

I love you on earth, in heaven and in all the spaces in between more than words could ever express. Love you always and forever, Mommy, Daddy, Isla and soon to be Baby Brother xoxoxoxoxo