Happy 14th Birthday Emersyn ~

Happy 14th birthday Emersyn my beautiful girl. Why after so long is this still so hard?  I try to rationalize that after all these years I should be ok to go to work on your birthday or feel “ok” since it is JUST only a single day. I get frustrated with myself as I try to associate strength with carrying on with normal life however you have taught me that strength is also being able to stop and allow grief. I wrestle with this after all these years as I have worked hard at honoring my grief so to stop and allow it when I know I could try to keep going is difficult but necessary. I have integrated your death into everything I do which makes me feel both proud of how far I have traveled in my journey and also heartbroken and humbled by the waves of grief that I know I must succumb to. I am a parent and this is what we do. We keep going for our kids but there are so many times that I am sure you are carrying me.

There was nothing more transformative for me than September 16th 2008. I remember every detail of your birth right down to the warmth of the September sunlight that poured through our hospital room that day. I actually thought the sunshine that afternoon was cued just for you. Warm golden sunlight streaming down on your birthday and snow randomly falling on the day you passed in April. Every parent feels like our own children are different, special ,unique and extraordinary to the point where no one else could possibly understand. And the truth is we are all right as there is no child more incredible than our own because we believe in our kids even more than we believe in ourselves. 

I was humbled when I looked at your dark brown eyes for the first time and realized I was chosen to be your Mom. I could not stop smiling and showing you off! Even when I had not slept in those early days when we brought you home I wanted friends and family to come over immediately and meet you as I thought if they didn’t they would be deprived of the greatest joy anyone could feel, meeting you the baby wise beyond her years who had a healing sense of peace about her. You knew how impactful you would be and how your legacy would have a transformative effect on so many. We knew you were amazing, we just didn’t know that we would only be gifted with your physical self for a short time. Watching your Dad hold you for the first time was also a gift I will never forget. You had his heart from the minute the midwives said “Jay come and hold your girl”. 

As we have gone back to school the little things I used to worry about for your brother and sister no longer worry me because of you. Anytime I feel myself starting to consider trivial things I think of you and remember what matters. I like to think that you have this grounding effect on so many people who knew you or learned about your journey. I would trade this perspective for you to be back here at home being 14 and driving us nuts but this blog, this day and these memories are all I have and I will hold this and care for our heart strings as long as I live. I hug a little longer, I advocate a little harder, I laugh and cry more fully and I love more deeply because of you.

So if you see me in September looking distracted or smiling at a dragonfly, butterfly or finding meaning in a song you know why. It is your birthday and for me this is the greatest day I ever knew because I became a Mom...your Mom. I believed in you from the minute I found out I was pregnant and that has never changed. Just like we all marvel at our living children when they accomplish something awesome I too beam when I find out that you have touched yet another life and made it better even though your physical self is no longer with us.

Happy 14th birthday to our official teenager, my beautiful brown eyed, wise, funny and magical Emersyn! I guess I can’t be too hard on myself for missing you just the same as I did when you fell asleep on my chest the day you were born and I could not wait for you to wake up. I believed in you then and I will never stop thinking I am the luckiest Mom on earth and in heaven because that’s what parents do. 

Hope you feel all of the magic heaven can conjure today my darling girl and as long as I live I will forever believe in the magic of YOU.

Love you always,

Mom, Dad, Isla and Callum xoxoxoxo

13 Years

13 years. I actually can’t believe I'm typing that number. 13 years today we have lived without you Emersyn. In the early years it was surviving without you and somehow living slowly returned as we integrated you into everything we are and do. This did not come without feeling guilty the first time we actually laughed, had family photos taken or went on our first family road trip without you. That was and will continue to be hard and depending on what we are doing or the day it still is. When people say “I can’t imagine” losing a child to be honest neither can I. I remember like it was yesterday our family and friends coming into our room in the ICU at McMaster to say good-bye. I remember time standing still and the snow that started falling that April day moments after you passed. I remember the nurses giving us space while bringing us blankets and making sure we felt supported. I still step back and cannot believe that you are physically gone. I am not sure how I have integrated losing you into every aspect of my life but I know that I have. You are the reason I look for the good in people and find hope in situations that seem impossible. Parenting you without being able to talk to you is not easy but I have learned that you are “the right thing to do” voice in my mind that helps guide me.

None of this makes up for losing you or the long and incredible life you should have had here on earth. When I look at how funny, compassionate and unique your brother and sister are I feel a deep sorrow and need to know just how much of a unique soul you would have grown into. As I write this I realize more and more that you were a gift not just to our family but to so many. I know you have helped so many people feel stronger and more resilient in their own struggles. Knowing this does not make your death any easier for us but I know that it honours you and gives you a legacy which means so much to us. 

I am a better person because of you. I have deep grief that I carry with me that I continue to learn to respect and make space for. Grief only happens where there is love so I hold space for this sacred duality. My head knew instantly that your physical self passed as we held you in that moment in time but it has taken time and surrender to mourning you that has allowed my heart to understand. My head knows you passed the day you died but my heart relearns this everyday. There is a saying “the person doing the talking is the person doing the learning”. That is why I write because this is me talking to you and learning to physically live without you. I have learned to not only connect with you through grief but also through the moments in the day that make me stop and think about the right thing to do. Thank-you Emersyn for the signs you send that are undeniably you and for the nudge in the right direction that you send when we need it most. We know you continue to be a source of courage, integrity and hope for so many and feel so lucky to be your parents.

Missing and loving you always,

Mom xoxoxoxoxo