This journal will be all over the place as that is how my emotions feel right now. I have a great deal of anger, frustration, love, appreciation, worry, hope, despair, compassion, exhaustion and the long list of confusing and overwhelming emotions goes on. It has been 15 months since my amazing daughter has passed away and sometimes I become frustrated with myself because I don’t feel any ‘better’, I often feel worse, the same or different but not better. I feel like when I say that I am letting people down, like I am supposed to be somewhere that I am truly not. Not that anyone outwardly says that I should feel better but it is something that I just sense and feel, probably more me feeling that than anyone else actually thinking it. The truth is, losing your child is the worst loss and trauma that a person can go through and you don’t just grieve for a while and then move on. I don’t want to feel this way forever but believe me, I can talk myself in and out of feeling, saying and doing lots of things but I am no match for this. No amount of talking, walking, reading, crying, mediating etc.... can fix it; by all means I will continue to fight for us and seek out a pathway of healing but this is a life time gig and we will always need extra support and really good people around us for the long haul. I know we have that in our lives, and we feel so lucky and grateful but we just feel so bad that we ‘need’ people this much. I hate feeling needy. People will say “it’s good to see that you are healing” and the truth is I don’t feel healed. I don’t want to feel like I am giving up but I am trying to be at peace with the fact that I will never be at peace with Emersyn’s death. I love her so much and I feel so connected to her but the fact that I cannot physically hold her or see her creates a daily anxiety that could never be understood unless you have buried your child.
Jason and I just came off of a hugely emotional week last weekend from the Rebecca Run for SMA, which was amazing and made us feel so proud, supported, loved and connected to Emersyn but there is also a price to be paid when you put your grieving heart out there. We know this; we knew that before hand as we understand the extreme lows that can occur after big events, especially those that focus on SMA. Our hearts and souls are invested in this and we have taken this past week or so to recuperate somewhat and now we must tend to our deep grief which we were trying extremely hard to manage through all of our fundraising efforts. Some would say that our fundraising for SMA is a distraction from the pain; a way of coping, the truth is we don’t know exactly what we need so we just try to go with our hearts and do the best that we can everyday to honour our daughter and help others. Fighting for a cure does bring us comfort and hope but it is also very difficult. Nothing is straight forward since we have lost Emersyn everything now comes with a big mess of emotions that we must sort through and cope with daily.
So here I am 15 months later, Emersyn would have been 22 months old right now and I would be enjoying the summer off with my beautiful daughter hanging out with my family and friends and their children. Instead, I am sad, lonely and wounded; it is a daily feat to get through each day. Sometimes I think I may come across as strong and coping just fine which is so far from the truth. I am aware of every breath I take and each and every thing that I say and do which is so tiring. I am searching for signs of real life in me but I just feel like everything is so hard. I know I have taken small steps in being able to manage more day to day things like groceries, house work, teaching part time and doing small visits with family and friends but still I feel stuck, like I should be in a better place.
I no longer laugh from my heart, I want to but I can’t seem to find the ‘heart’ to do it. I hate feeling so sad all of the time so I get angry at ‘grief’ but then I look and there is no one to be angry at so the frustration sets in and the anxiety follows. I can’t let go of what was and what should have been. I am terrified that people will stop talking about Emersyn. I am terrified that people will stop listening to us talk about our child. I am terrified that people will not continue to regard Jason and I as parents which then would mean Emersyn never existed, every bereaved parent’s worst fear. Not sure why I don't trust but it is most likely because the core of my trust has been taken with my child. I have deep faith but I am allowed to be angry and question things, I know in my heart that is healthy and ultimately it will make my faith stronger.
So like I said before, this journal is all over the place because that is how I feel right now. I yearn for a sense of peace as we continue to ride out the harsh waves of acute grief hoping that we will get a ‘break’ in the water soon so that we can come up for a long, peaceful breath before the next storm hits. One day, one hour one minute at a time..........