Our beautiful daughter Emersyn Paige passed away from SMA Type 1 on April 7th,2009 at the age of 7 months old. This blog is dedicated to her life, legacy and spirit and our journey as a family through grief.

Monday, July 19, 2010

All Over The Place........

This journal will be all over the place as that is how my emotions feel right now. I have a great deal of anger, frustration, love, appreciation, worry, hope, despair, compassion, exhaustion and the long list of confusing and overwhelming emotions goes on. It has been 15 months since my amazing daughter has passed away and sometimes I become frustrated with myself because I don’t feel any ‘better’, I often feel worse, the same or different but not better. I feel like when I say that I am letting people down, like I am supposed to be somewhere that I am truly not. Not that anyone outwardly says that I should feel better but it is something that I just sense and feel, probably more me feeling that than anyone else actually thinking it. The truth is, losing your child is the worst loss and trauma that a person can go through and you don’t just grieve for a while and then move on. I don’t want to feel this way forever but believe me, I can talk myself in and out of feeling, saying and doing lots of things but I am no match for this. No amount of talking, walking, reading, crying, mediating etc.... can fix it; by all means I will continue to fight for us and seek out a pathway of healing but this is a life time gig and we will always need extra support and really good people around us for the long haul. I know we have that in our lives, and we feel so lucky and grateful but we just feel so bad that we ‘need’ people this much. I hate feeling needy. People will say “it’s good to see that you are healing” and the truth is I don’t feel healed. I don’t want to feel like I am giving up but I am trying to be at peace with the fact that I will never be at peace with Emersyn’s death. I love her so much and I feel so connected to her but the fact that I cannot physically hold her or see her creates a daily anxiety that could never be understood unless you have buried your child.

Jason and I just came off of a hugely emotional week last weekend from the Rebecca Run for SMA, which was amazing and made us feel so proud, supported, loved and connected to Emersyn but there is also a price to be paid when you put your grieving heart out there. We know this; we knew that before hand as we understand the extreme lows that can occur after big events, especially those that focus on SMA. Our hearts and souls are invested in this and we have taken this past week or so to recuperate somewhat and now we must tend to our deep grief which we were trying extremely hard to manage through all of our fundraising efforts. Some would say that our fundraising for SMA is a distraction from the pain; a way of coping, the truth is we don’t know exactly what we need so we just try to go with our hearts and do the best that we can everyday to honour our daughter and help others. Fighting for a cure does bring us comfort and hope but it is also very difficult. Nothing is straight forward since we have lost Emersyn everything now comes with a big mess of emotions that we must sort through and cope with daily.

So here I am 15 months later, Emersyn would have been 22 months old right now and I would be enjoying the summer off with my beautiful daughter hanging out with my family and friends and their children. Instead, I am sad, lonely and wounded; it is a daily feat to get through each day. Sometimes I think I may come across as strong and coping just fine which is so far from the truth. I am aware of every breath I take and each and every thing that I say and do which is so tiring. I am searching for signs of real life in me but I just feel like everything is so hard. I know I have taken small steps in being able to manage more day to day things like groceries, house work, teaching part time and doing small visits with family and friends but still I feel stuck, like I should be in a better place.

I no longer laugh from my heart, I want to but I can’t seem to find the ‘heart’ to do it. I hate feeling so sad all of the time so I get angry at ‘grief’ but then I look and there is no one to be angry at so the frustration sets in and the anxiety follows. I can’t let go of what was and what should have been. I am terrified that people will stop talking about Emersyn. I am terrified that people will stop listening to us talk about our child. I am terrified that people will not continue to regard Jason and I as parents which then would mean Emersyn never existed, every bereaved parent’s worst fear. Not sure why I don't trust but it is most likely because the core of my trust has been taken with my child. I have deep faith but I am allowed to be angry and question things, I know in my heart that is healthy and ultimately it will make my faith stronger.

So like I said before, this journal is all over the place because that is how I feel right now. I yearn for a sense of peace as we continue to ride out the harsh waves of acute grief hoping that we will get a ‘break’ in the water soon so that we can come up for a long, peaceful breath before the next storm hits. One day, one hour one minute at a time..........


  1. Mel, I know I cant begin to understand what you are feeling but now that I have a child I can feel what you are feeling while I read your post. I can imagine what you might be feeling and the thought alone scares me. You are an inspiration to everyone because you are living life...whichever way you can. I believe it is important to live and except whatever path comes your way but I also know that it is easier said than done. You are doing great and I just wanted to let you know that you should never feel that you are letting anyone down. Only YOU know what YOU need in order to live each day, dont think about what others are expecting of you becuase no one has the right to. I hope you and your husband find the peace that you need in order to continue living ...and dont ever think that you could be striped of the title "mommy and daddy"...once a parent, you cant go back:) take care of yourselves and hope to see you guys one day!

  2. Dear Rupinder,

    Thank-you so much for your beautiful message it really did help to make me feel more at ease! It is amazing how a simple message from someone who cares can make all the difference to me on a really down day. Thank-you for thinking of us and of our daughter it means so much to me!
    Hugs and love to you and your family,
    Melanie xoxoxoxo

  3. Dear Melanie....your writing is so truthful and you should be proud of yourself for recognizing where you are right now. Being a mom and teacher like yourself I can feel your pain through your words and my heart aches for you. I do see the strength that you carry with you as well. You are Emersyn's mommy and will ALWAYS be....that role was predetermined for you a long time ago and no one can ever dismiss that. I hope for you that you are able to find some beauty in each day, whether it be the warmth of the sun for a brief moment, the wind in your face or the smell of a summer flower. I will continue to send you positive energy and know that many of us out here are thinking and praying for you daily!!!
    be well...and thank you for sharing your thoughts with us....

    be well...
    Lisa :)

  4. Thank-you for your support Lisa it means a lot! I am trying to do one good thing for myself everyday instead of being so hard on myself all of the time for not feeling or doing better. Not sure what my one nice thing is yet today and it is almost 5pm but I will come up with something I promise!!
    Many thanks and all the best to you and your family,
    Melanie xoxo

  5. Mel,
    Thank you so much for sharing your heart, your story and mostly your precious little girl with all of us! I can't tell you how much your story and your sweet angel have touched my life.
    I think what I appreciate so much is your honesty-you are helping so many people by being so forthright with your words. Although I think in some ways it is inevitable, try not to feel you "should" be anywhere in your grief, that people expect you to be feeling a certain way etc etc. You need to grieve exactly how you are, one day at a time, one minute at a time I'm sure some days...whatever you feel you need is exactly the right way!

    Please know that Emersyn will never be forgotten, she has already taught so much and I know through you and Jason she will continue teaching so many wonderful things about life, love and family. You will ALWAYS be her Mommy and Daddy, you were chosen for that special job and you are doing it brilliantly. You were her voice when she was here in your arms and continue to be, you are incredible!

    I wish there were words to make the days easier, but I hope knowing Emersyn is making a difference in peoples lives every day helps a little.
    Thanks again for sharing, I hope it helps you to do so as I know it is helping others.
    Hugs, Emma

  6. Thank-you Lisa and Emma for your kind words of support it means a lot to us. Reading your reply's makes me feel 'heard' in my grief journey and that is all we bereaved parents really want (other than our children back of course) is to be heard, understood and validated. We can never be 'fixed' so in order to cope we need a team of people to 'walk with us' and hand us some water now and then so we can continue to keep on going while honouring and connecting with our children's spirits.
    Much love and many thanks,
    Melanie xoxoxoxo